Aromatherapy for Men
Some time ago, the designer Donna Karan crafted a men’s fragrance that she creatively called DK Men. She had said that she had wanted to make something that would remind her of her husband, and actually added top notes of motor oil and leather. What she had failed to consider was that not only would most men not want to smell like her husband, but they also wouldn’t want to smell like a gay biker bar. This is why women shouldn’t try designing things for men. Luckily, the fragrance has since been discontinued. It got me to thinking, however, about what kinds of scents straight men might actually enjoy; not so much to wear, but to unwind with after having to listen to estrogen fueled rants about coworkers, celebrities, and shoe sales all day. Here are my first offerings:
My Finger
If there’s one thing men always seem to want to smell (and have you smell), it’s their finger. Unfortunately, even they can’t remember everywhere that finger’s been. Not so with this candle. Comprised of essential oils squeezed from the soiled undergarments of only the hottest of chicks in girl-on-girl internet publishing, you can now relax and enjoy pure finger smell without having to worry if it’s been cross contaminated with your own ball sweat.
Ribeye
Real men love the smell of red meat on an open flame. There’s no room for argument here. If you’re a vegetarian, not only are you not a real man, but you shouldn’t bother trying any of these scents because your own foul body odor is far too strong to ever be penetrated. When it comes to red meat, my favorite is the slab ripped right off the cow’s ribcage. “Closer to the bone, the sweeter is the meat” isn’t just a Louis Prima song about having sex with skinny chicks. This is the juiciest and sweetest cut, and the one we’ve tapped for this candle. You’ll also notice a subtle hint of BBQ sauce that will make every day feel like a Sunday on the grill.
War
After a long, hard day of killing Iraqis to protect Texan oil interests, there’s nothing a man likes better than reliving the day’s genocide by kicking back and enjoying a nice warm cup of their spilt blood. On days when there’s not enough to go around, however, this candle is the next best thing. It reeks of kickbacks (I mean, lobbying) and will remind you of just how badass this country is. The scent will mainly appeal to Republicans, but supplies will still be limited. Get yours now before someone with a conscience gets a key to the White House!
Moolah
Let’s face it, men like money. There is but one simple reason for this: Money gets you laid. A guy can be ugly, fat, bald, and stupid; with a cyst on his mouth and a hump; but as long as he’s got ends, he’s landing tail. Even when ends are tight, a guy can get by with merely flashing a padded roll around (he may also get stabbed, so tread wisely). When ends are too tight to fake a roll, there’s always this candle. Just smelling money reminds me of getting laid. It also gives a guy the motivation to continue churning out mind-crushing Powerpoints and spreadsheets all day. In fact, I plan on burning A LOT of Moolah before I start my new job.
