Aromatherapy for Men

May 15th, 2008 – 2:23 am | Posted by: .45

Some time ago, the designer Donna Karan crafted a men’s fragrance that she creatively called DK Men. She had said that she had wanted to make something that would remind her of her husband, and actually added top notes of motor oil and leather. What she had failed to consider was that not only would most men not want to smell like her husband, but they also wouldn’t want to smell like a gay biker bar. This is why women shouldn’t try designing things for men. Luckily, the fragrance has since been discontinued. It got me to thinking, however, about what kinds of scents straight men might actually enjoy; not so much to wear, but to unwind with after having to listen to estrogen fueled rants about coworkers, celebrities, and shoe sales all day. Here are my first offerings:

My Finger

\"You Finger\" Candle

If there’s one thing men always seem to want to smell (and have you smell), it’s their finger. Unfortunately, even they can’t remember everywhere that finger’s been. Not so with this candle. Comprised of essential oils squeezed from the soiled undergarments of only the hottest of chicks in girl-on-girl internet publishing, you can now relax and enjoy pure finger smell without having to worry if it’s been cross contaminated with your own ball sweat.

Ribeye

\"Ribeye\" Candle

Real men love the smell of red meat on an open flame. There’s no room for argument here. If you’re a vegetarian, not only are you not a real man, but you shouldn’t bother trying any of these scents because your own foul body odor is far too strong to ever be penetrated. When it comes to red meat, my favorite is the slab ripped right off the cow’s ribcage. “Closer to the bone, the sweeter is the meat” isn’t just a Louis Prima song about having sex with skinny chicks. This is the juiciest and sweetest cut, and the one we’ve tapped for this candle. You’ll also notice a subtle hint of BBQ sauce that will make every day feel like a Sunday on the grill.

War

\"War\" Candle

After a long, hard day of killing Iraqis to protect Texan oil interests, there’s nothing a man likes better than reliving the day’s genocide by kicking back and enjoying a nice warm cup of their spilt blood. On days when there’s not enough to go around, however, this candle is the next best thing. It reeks of kickbacks (I mean, lobbying) and will remind you of just how badass this country is. The scent will mainly appeal to Republicans, but supplies will still be limited. Get yours now before someone with a conscience gets a key to the White House!

Moolah

\"Moolah\" Candle

Let’s face it, men like money. There is but one simple reason for this: Money gets you laid. A guy can be ugly, fat, bald, and stupid; with a cyst on his mouth and a hump; but as long as he’s got ends, he’s landing tail. Even when ends are tight, a guy can get by with merely flashing a padded roll around (he may also get stabbed, so tread wisely). When ends are too tight to fake a roll, there’s always this candle. Just smelling money reminds me of getting laid. It also gives a guy the motivation to continue churning out mind-crushing Powerpoints and spreadsheets all day. In fact, I plan on burning A LOT of Moolah before I start my new job.

Required Slacker Reading

May 8th, 2008 – 3:45 am | Posted by: .45
Filed as: Adult, Book, Dark, Police, Social

Lately I’ve been of the mind of recalling some of my favorite slacker literature. The previous statement is total bullshit, however, considering the fact that I wrote this a while ago and set it to future-post. But just for the sake of this lead-in, let’s say I am actually of the mind of recalling slack-lit at this particular moment, as you’re reading this. And now this, and so on. What better time, then, to offer recommendations of some personal favorites?

(more bullshit…)

Battlecat Fatso

April 27th, 2008 – 12:34 am | Posted by: LOBO
Filed as: Humor, Movie, Religious, Travel



Frustrated by various snags I’ve hit during the making of LOBO: The Motion Picture, I decided I needed to take some time to clear my head.

Nagging doubts began to seep into my conscience. Not about the movie -oh God no; this script is the best thing since Citizen Kane- but about Hollywood in general. It just seems like if it’s not a flick about gay cowboys or an abused chick dyin of cancer, nobody cares.

(more LOBO…)

MJ’s Last Dance

April 21st, 2008 – 3:52 am | Posted by: .45

I’m generally not into taking photos, but I’ve been snapping some off lately to document my last days in San Francisco. Today there was a barbeque at my house to celebrate 420. This is really just as good an excuse as any; we have A LOT of barbeques. Well, today was my last one and I got a couple pics in. This one reminded me of an album cover, so I made it one.

(more MJ…)

Tokyo Struck With Epic WTF

April 18th, 2008 – 3:13 am | Posted by: Qelqoth
Filed as: Humor, Weird

Tokyo, Japan — To a classically orchestrated soundtrack, a giant robot creature fell to Earth, attacking denizens of Tokyo with some kind of freaky light show. The blinding lasers, akin to that of a Jean Michel Jarre performance, sent the Japanese people into fits of epileptic rage as they were burned to dust by this intergalactic death machine.

(more lasers…)