[...] After having been involved in a number of these “New Years”, I am now able to confirm that this is actually an ideal time to wipe your slate clean of the prior year’s sexual harassment and lude behaviour accusations and pretend to be a better man. This pretense will last approximately two months, at which time I will have reached my threshold of endurance for these unwelcome lifestyle changes.
Filed in December, 2007
Tang and a Chili Dog
[...] Asian chicks just weren’t my cup of tea. My cup of tea has bourbon in it, unless it’s morning, and Asians don’t like bourbon as far as I know. They prefer liquors that weren’t distilled in the backwoods of Kentucky.
Oswald, Bin Laden, the Sun, and Other Fictional Characters
[...] I’m discovering that all kinds of thoughts have been waiting to pass through my head. I don’t like these thoughts. They’re not crazy thoughts, like “Maybe I should stuff the cat in the blender today.” No, these are just heavy, meaty thoughts.
Not Quite Right Down There
[…] So she gets the lube and proceeds to completely baste herself in it, just greasing up every shock and piston. She knew what she was doing, too. I was like, “I don’t know what exactly is about to go down, but f***ing BRING IT!”.
Suffering in the Rear
[…] While still providing little padding and sure to be a source of humiliation in future recall as well as cause for difficulty in sitting and especially horseback riding, at least none of my more vital organs would be violated and will continue blissfully pumping blood and oxygen to other parts I cherish most.
Disembodied White Head
[…] Fact is, the sun and I don’t have a good relationship. We went out for a while, things got messy and now I have a restraining order. The sun is no longer allowed to come within 20 yards of me.
