The Wrath of Scallopman
One of my favorite things to do in San Francisco is to attend people’s birthday dinners. Because I haven’t driven ever since some illegals creamed me at an intersection one day, birthday dinners are always a perfect opportunity for me to get out of this crap city and actually get a decent meal. Well, last week it was my roommate’s birthday and she wanted to go to one of my favorite restaurants in the burbs. This is one of those buffet places where for 20 bucks you get a lobster and anything else you can cram down your esophagus to store for the winter. I was so excited for this that it may as well have been my birthday. To prepare for all the food I planned to eat, I went on a fast for two weeks prior. This wasn’t to balance out my caloric intake or anything; I just wanted to make sure I was as hungry as possible. That’s what eating is all about for me, supply and demand. The hungrier I am and the more food to eat, the better the eating experience. I’ve never understood the whole concept of fine dining. What the hell is so fine about being fed like I’m a hamster? I’m a man of 6’4” with a high metabolism and threateningly large testicles, and when I sit down for a meal there better be some real food on my plate, not some damn kibble wrapped in an asparagus bow tie. That’s a meal for men with much smaller testicles.
I went out with this rich chick a while back that would always drag me to these ridiculously over-priced restaurants. I would order a plate of scallops, and when it came, the plate would consist of two lonely scallops covered in a squirt of jizz or something. This plate would cost $100. They must be charging you for the DNA, because scallops only cost $6.99/lb at the market. I would hope the DNA was at least from somebody famous so I could plant it at a crime scene. And why are they trying to fertilize the scallops with human genetic material anyway? I’m pretty sure scientists have already determined that this doesn’t work, or have at least been shielding the world from the inevitable panic that would ensue if ever a Scallopman were unleashed. I cringe in terror for even just writing of a Scallopman. I’m sure he would want to kill me for having thoughtlessly eaten so many of his delicious brethren over the years. In fact, I’m making myself want to eat some right now—in a portion fit for consumption, hold the jizz. Poor rich people. I worry that they suffer from malnutrition, though I’m sure they get all the protein they could ever need.
So yeah, we get to this restaurant and I’m throwin’ elbows. Kids, librarians, whomever; if they’re in my way, they’re goin’ down. I know it sounds random to have mentioned librarians, but one of my local librarians was actually there that night. She always laughs at me for checking out romance novels about breakdancing; but guess who’s not laughing now, book girl? That’s right. This was not a time for criticizing my literary preferences. This time was about man versus lobster, and duck, and crab legs, and short ribs, and roast beef, and spare ribs, and chicken wings, and pork loin; and yes, jizz-free scallops. Sure, this food may have beaten me in the end, but I fought the good fight and took out a sizable chuck of their ranks in the process. Nobody in my attending group was allowed to talk to me, nor take pictures, nor any of the other things people like to do at birthday dinners. If they were hoping for all that, they should have gone fine dining where my meal would been done in two miserable bites and I would’ve had to talk and be photographed for lack of anything better to do.
The only problem with enjoying such a feast is that it always goes right to my ass and thighs as you can clearly see from this most recent satellite imagery above. Luckily everyone just assumed I was Jennifer Love Hewitt. Still, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking going to the beach so soon after. I realize now that I should have at least hit the stairmaster for a few months before shaking my side of lamb around in full public view. A one-piece wouldn’t have killed me either. It’s cool, though. My birthday’s coming up too and I’ll be fasting again soon enough.
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Blech I hate scallops! I hope scallopman comes and eats you.
‘hold the jizz’ nice, heh, not really.
Claire’s last blog post..Different
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 5:23 am
I also find scallops to be revolting.
In addition I find jizz revolting.
Admittedly, I’ve tried scallops and gagged whereas I’m making some assumptions regarding jizz.
Comment made by Mark on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 6:06 am
It’s not very nice to wish this on someone, even when that someone is me.
You really would have hated this restaurant, then. For the record, I have the same reaction to onions and people insist on putting them in damn-near everything.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 6:41 am
Don’t eat scallops then.
If only you visited my library, no padded rooms there though. When you said padded rooms are you sure it wasn’t a ‘rest’ home?
:)
Claire’s last blog post..I am not nice! Damn It!
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 9:58 am
Does your library offer librarians I can trounce at buffets? I never got much rest in that room, but it would explain why they only let me out to give me drugs. And here I thought they were good hosts.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
Well if your 6′4 and with the large testicles, i can see why you never got any rest :)
Claire’s last blog post..I am not nice! Damn It!
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 4:15 pm
Yes, they strain my lower back.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 4:21 pm
Seafood…I’m there! And by God I’ll fight you for it. Large testicles? Just means my aim doesn’t have to be dead on as usual…lol Oh, and next time you choose the two piece at least go for hot pink or turquoise…that black just made you look short!
Diamond Digger’s last blog post..Friggin’ Bloggers Block
Comment made by Diamond Digger on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 4:38 pm
Yes, they have their own gravitational pull, and the black does wonders for concealing them at the beach. My ass is another story.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 5:03 pm
Um, okay I am fine now but for a minute I got a sinking feeling because I forgot you mentioned your industrial sized testicles early on in the post so when I came to the part with the picture of JLH’s ass and you said the thing about hips and thighs and well… all of a sudden I was like, whaa?
He is a girl?
Noooo!!
Please don’t do that again. I am easily confuseable and I prefer to imagine you as your 6′4″ large testicled self.
I even go a step further and imagine you into a rugby player or kilt wearing caber tosser.
Rowr. :)
chelle b’s last blog post..The “A Preview of Things to Come” Offensive
Comment made by chelle b on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 5:30 pm
Well if your 6?4 and with the large testicles, i can see why you never got any rest :)
Heh, he just had to mention them didn’t he, Claire.
Does he realize we may never leave his blog now?
chelle b’s last blog post..The “A Preview of Things to Come” Offensive
Comment made by chelle b on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 5:36 pm
Yes chelle he done did it now.
We have been looking for a new man bitch to play with looks like we have found him!
:)
Claire’s last blog post..I am not nice! Damn It!
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 5:39 pm
A real man is comfortable enough in his sexuality that he can be throwing elbows one minute and be rocking a two-piece at the beach in the next. Just look at Scott Weiland.
I appear to have opened a Pandora’s box, so to speak. This always seems to happen at the slightest mention of my threateningly large testicles.
Bees to a hive.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 9, 2008 @ 6:17 pm
Hmmm you must be on to something .45.
If I see Claire buzzing around here now I might have to kick her ass. Only one queen per hive, ya know? :)
chelle b’s last blog post..The “A Preview of Things to Come” Offensive
Comment made by chelle b on Mar. 10, 2008 @ 2:44 pm
Careful, she’s been blowing things up lately, and I just finished straightening.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 10, 2008 @ 3:09 pm
You wouldn’t like to get blown up? I wonder what you will shorten that too in your witty reply? :)
I knew chelle was an old gay man, I can spot a queen!
Claire’s last blog post..I got smurfed!
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 10, 2008 @ 4:56 pm
Drat, she’s weighing her words now. And yes, that’s too easy.
Ladies, ladies, let’s not fight. At least not until the Jello ring is ready.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 10, 2008 @ 8:27 pm
Everything in this post sounds delicious…. except for the jizz. I’ll have to pass on that.
Jillian’s last blog post..What Would You Do If Darkseid Stole Your Car?
Comment made by Jillian on Mar. 11, 2008 @ 12:59 am
Its Jelly not Jello and I love it :)
Claire’s last blog post..A view from my bedroom ….
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 11, 2008 @ 2:59 pm
Re: the delicacy of scallops and jizz - I find the desirability of said dish depends entirely on who is doing the jizzing.
Lord Likely’s last blog post..Lord Likely Gets Dirty
Comment made by Lord Likely on Mar. 11, 2008 @ 5:39 pm
But they charge a lot more for it, so it must be good.
Actually Jello is the preferred substance for women to wrestle in. I imagine Jelly would be too thick. Does the consistency give you some kind of advantage?
It was probably one of the dishwashers.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 11, 2008 @ 7:24 pm
By jelly I actually meant jello, that’s what we call jello here :)
Jelly is Jam :)
Claire’s last blog post..The story of Scallop Man.
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 17, 2008 @ 2:55 pm
A. Didn’t you just have a b-day or are you trying to get presents out of us? B. Scallops rock. Especially grilled Japanese style with a scootch of white sauce and a nice Sapporo to wash it all down (hey. You like jizz sauce, I like what I like.) C. You no drive??? What the hell is up wit’dat??? Even with my broken ankle, I am driving left footed. LOOK OUT!! D. I’m keeping my mouth shut on the rest of it………
Petra’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday - “Devil Eye”
Comment made by Petra on Apr. 17, 2008 @ 4:10 pm
You and your pierced British tongue.
A.) Claire dug in the archives B.) Yes, scallops rock, hold the jizz C.) Don’t need a car in S.F., but I will again in L.A. Hopefully I won’t get creamed by any more illegals.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 17, 2008 @ 5:20 pm
I didn’t actually dig, Scallop Man stayed with me :)
Scallops do NOT rock, jeez!
I certainly wouldn’t wrap my pierced tongue round one or anyone that had eaten one.
Claire’s last blog post..The story of Scallop Man.
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 17, 2008 @ 5:32 pm
But you’ll put a needle through it? Weirdo. (I should talk)
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 17, 2008 @ 5:52 pm
It was numbed for that :)
Claire’s last blog post..A non rude blow up doll, honest!
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 18, 2008 @ 5:12 pm
Really? My lip wasn’t. I remember it being like trying to insert a meat thermometer in a roast, except the roast was my lip and the thermometer hurt like hell.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 18, 2008 @ 5:30 pm
Ouch!
Yes it really was, they put anaesthetic on tongue, let it go numb. But mouth filled up with drool so was not a pretty site at all :)
Claire’s last blog post..A non rude blow up doll, honest!
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 18, 2008 @ 6:09 pm