.45 Caliber Headspace

Someone may remember from last week that I had not only entered the What Was Willy Reading? contest at The Offended Blogger, but had also rolled my dice in the Lights, Camera Blog! contest at Digital Sickbag. Well, you can imagine my surprise and subsequent nocturnal emission when I was informed that I’d won not just one, but both of these contests. Better yet, you don’t even need to imagine, since I’ve managed to obtain actual satellite imagery from Interpol that clearly shows how completely caught off guard I was.

The timing of my having won both of these contests coincides nicely with the arrival of of the 1000^th visitor to have taken a wrong turn to these pages since I first decided to expose myself to the public just over two short months ago. Now, I’m no NASA scientist, but I have been known to volunteer my consulting services to anyone in Google’s engineering department that I can reach by viral E-mail campaign. In return, they tell me that an average of 500 visitors/month is good, but would improve significantly if I were to offer more doctored jpegs of the cast of Deep Space Nine. I first suspected Deep Space Nine to be part of a porn franchise, but later learned that it was just another Star Trek enhancement product. I neither have the time nor the stomach to be doctoring jpegs for 40-year-old virgins, however, so I will have to just make due with my 500 monthly visitors. Even if only 10 of them actually read something, that’s still 9 more than have ever read my diary—the one with the pink frilly cover that I etched “Motley Crue 4-Eva” into just last year.

Besides, I know these visitors are of thanks in no small part to the close-knit community of bloggers I’ve crashed, and my overpaid back-alley publicist, Qelqoth—whose unjustly kind recommendations I continue to find scrawled in lipstick on the walls of truck-stop bathrooms everywhere. If you are as yet unaware of the psychic pain he’s inflicted on dozens of readers worldwide, why not give him a Stumble or a Digg, or a Pokémon? You couldn’t possibly tarnish his reputation more than he’s already succeeded in doing on his own, and everyone loves a good Pokémon.

But wait. Before you run off rightfully presuming that I should be wholly satisfied in these most recent contest winnings, I regret to inform you that I’m not. I’ve now learned that I’m also a finalist in the semi-regular caption contest that humor blog enthusiast (and contributor) Diesel sponsors at his Mattresspolice.com. I don’t really expect to take home the triple crown of blog contests this week though, since I’m the only one that votes for me at Mattress Police. Still, it warms my heart to at least be selected for the finals here again—especially after having submitted 87 entries. Stop by if you get a chance and enjoy a cruel and spiteful laugh at my tortured, lonely vote.