Aromatherapy for Men
Some time ago, the designer Donna Karan crafted a men’s fragrance that she creatively called DK Men. She had said that she had wanted to make something that would remind her of her husband, and actually added top notes of motor oil and leather. What she had failed to consider was that not only would most men not want to smell like her husband, but they also wouldn’t want to smell like a gay biker bar. This is why women shouldn’t try designing things for men. Luckily, the fragrance has since been discontinued. It got me to thinking, however, about what kinds of scents straight men might actually enjoy; not so much to wear, but to unwind with after having to listen to estrogen fueled rants about coworkers, celebrities, and shoe sales all day. Here are my first offerings:
My Finger
If there’s one thing men always seem to want to smell (and have you smell), it’s their finger. Unfortunately, even they can’t remember everywhere that finger’s been. Not so with this candle. Comprised of essential oils squeezed from the soiled undergarments of only the hottest of chicks in girl-on-girl internet publishing, you can now relax and enjoy pure finger smell without having to worry if it’s been cross contaminated with your own ball sweat.
Ribeye
Real men love the smell of red meat on an open flame. There’s no room for argument here. If you’re a vegetarian, not only are you not a real man, but you shouldn’t bother trying any of these scents because your own foul body odor is far too strong to ever be penetrated. When it comes to red meat, my favorite is the slab ripped right off the cow’s ribcage. “Closer to the bone, the sweeter is the meat” isn’t just a Louis Prima song about having sex with skinny chicks. This is the juiciest and sweetest cut, and the one we’ve tapped for this candle. You’ll also notice a subtle hint of BBQ sauce that will make every day feel like a Sunday on the grill.
War
After a long, hard day of killing Iraqis to protect Texan oil interests, there’s nothing a man likes better than reliving the day’s genocide by kicking back and enjoying a nice warm cup of their spilt blood. On days when there’s not enough to go around, however, this candle is the next best thing. It reeks of kickbacks (I mean, lobbying) and will remind you of just how badass this country is. The scent will mainly appeal to Republicans, but supplies will still be limited. Get yours now before someone with a conscience gets a key to the White House!
Moolah
Let’s face it, men like money. There is but one simple reason for this: Money gets you laid. A guy can be ugly, fat, bald, and stupid; with a cyst on his mouth and a hump; but as long as he’s got ends, he’s landing tail. Even when ends are tight, a guy can get by with merely flashing a padded roll around (he may also get stabbed, so tread wisely). When ends are too tight to fake a roll, there’s always this candle. Just smelling money reminds me of getting laid. It also gives a guy the motivation to continue churning out mind-crushing Powerpoints and spreadsheets all day. In fact, I plan on burning A LOT of Moolah before I start my new job.
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If Moolah was available as an eau de toilette it’d be just about perfect for picking up women.
I’m not saying all women are shallow and preoccupied with the bulge in a man’s wallet. But I am intimating that the majority of those who are likely to read this site are.
Marks last blog post..Music To Drink Alcohol By
Comment made by Mark on May. 15, 2008 @ 3:41 am
Ahem… Music to Drink Alcohol By… I am not shallow or preoccupied in the least bit, but PRACTICAL. Logical. Realistic; And love reading this blog. (I also have a rather warped mind - but we won’t focus on that; I blame my parents.)
OK, I’m buying! I’ll take one of each, please, for my husband’s personal satisfaction and stash, of course - (the money will add to your wad to pursue tricks- I mean chicks, with). Uhh…you’ve pretty much summed up my husband in his entirety within the confines of your new candle scents here. As a matter of fact, are you sure you AREN’T my husband - maybe in blogger disguise?! Because your candles SMELL like him, and your blog SOUNDS an awful lot like him…
Nope. It’d take him a year (or more) to type out something this lonnnng one finger at a time.
Funny stuff, you! Glad I popped in. The others in my office are giving me dirty looks at the mo because I’m laughing at my computer screen and having such fun on the job, while they’re being made to work for a living. What can I say?! One of the (few) benefits of small business ownership- and rare, at that.
Good luck at the new job, BTW!
kimbathewhitelionesss last blog post..HOPE FOR HUMANITY - ACTION FOR HUMAN RIGHTS
Comment made by kimbathewhitelioness on May. 15, 2008 @ 7:17 am
There’s a couple of these that I would buy for me! I’m not saying which ones. :-)
Mimzies last blog post..Day 39 of Project 365 - Serial Killer Beginings
Comment made by Mimzie on May. 15, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
That Ribeye candle is perfect. I love meat… especially when it’s thick and… you know.
Jillians last blog post..Holy Matrimony
Comment made by Jillian on May. 15, 2008 @ 1:56 pm
I agree, women should never try to design things for men. Who knows what they might possibly come up with :)
I don’t need the ‘My Finger’ candle, I can just smell my own.
Claires last blog post..Doodle Mad!
Comment made by Claire on May. 15, 2008 @ 3:55 pm
I’ll take 2 of each. I was going to say you didn’t have a “gun” candle but I guess war will have to suffice. Don’t forget, happiness is a warm gun.
Melissas last blog post..Surely One of The Original Human Rights
Comment made by Melissa on May. 15, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
I can’t believe you of all people did not mention a fish scent - and don’t go talking about your finger cuz ball sweat and….. oooohhhh eeewww…. its just too gross……….
petras last blog post..Bloggers Unite Against the Horrors of Our World
Comment made by petra on May. 15, 2008 @ 7:06 pm
Man, are they barking up the wrong tree.
Slavedriver. You should give them all a blog break. Glad you popped in, too.
That will make order fulfillment difficult.
Shaved?
Comment made by .45 on May. 15, 2008 @ 8:12 pm
Can I?
So is a warm finger.
I don’t imagine that’d be much of a seller. I used to think fish smell was a myth. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
Comment made by .45 on May. 15, 2008 @ 8:16 pm
I’m torn between smell my finger and war.
RegretfulMornings last blog post..Why toilets own
Comment made by RegretfulMorning on May. 15, 2008 @ 9:42 pm
You mean your not loaded! crap I am outta here…….
Okay I couldn’t leave.
Well I wont amputate my own finger for your smelling pleasure, so no you cant.
Good Luck with the new job today, hope you make some friends and don’t have to eat lunch on your own.
Claires last blog post..First flower
Comment made by Claire on May. 16, 2008 @ 4:15 am
Shit you started yesterday! How did friday happen already.
Claires last blog post..First flower
Comment made by Claire on May. 16, 2008 @ 4:16 am
how about Jack Daniels..or Budweiser and beer nuts,…:)
Comment made by robert bourne on May. 16, 2008 @ 3:21 pm
You forgot “Pork Chops”!
:(
LOBOs last blog post..Making a Stand
Comment made by LOBO on May. 16, 2008 @ 4:50 pm
I may offer a variety pack.
If you stick it in animal fat, I can preserve the essence.
Bud was in the original proposal, but I thought it too American. Then again, so is War.
Who says I forgot? The line is young.
Comment made by .45 on May. 16, 2008 @ 6:12 pm
The Moolah one is perfect for anyone!
Chelles last blog post..Depending on Which Side of the Street You’re On…
Comment made by Chelle on May. 16, 2008 @ 8:22 pm
I like it. By the way, the Diesel fragrance smells nothing like me. Total ripoff.
diesels last blog post..Caption Contest: Prince Caspian
Comment made by diesel on May. 16, 2008 @ 9:18 pm
Ok I don’t know about the smell your finger scent , lobo just wants me to pull his finger! :) I much prefer the smell of moolah :)
Comment made by LadyTerri on May. 17, 2008 @ 7:37 am
Yes, I’ve even been using it to pay the factory workers.
That’s okay. I’d still walk a mile in your shoes.
That definitely sounds like him.
Comment made by .45 on May. 17, 2008 @ 11:02 am
Couch Potato too. For those guys who prefer to armchair travel and have their pizza and beer delivered.
Lauras last blog post..For Latte Girl and Others
Comment made by Laura on May. 18, 2008 @ 5:55 am
Hahaha, I love these ideas, although I am not sure so that I would actually like the fragrances, but I am sure my boyfriend would :)
Carolines last blog post..I wil follow you
Comment made by Caroline on May. 21, 2008 @ 10:38 am
Is this a trick observation? Who doesn’t prefer having things delivered?
You can’t accuse me of false advertising.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 3, 2008 @ 8:18 pm