I’m Not the Messiah, I’m a Very Naughty Boy
After this post, I will expect nothing short of public humiliation, severe punishment and the hauling of a wooden cross over my shoulder while being whipped to ribbons. Everyone will rejoice as the evil scum is spat at, ridiculed beyond belief for hours upon end. In fact, everyone will see through my satirical facade as I am exposed as a disgusting little maggot, this parasitic worm that you’re never going to get rid of unless you take drastic fucking measures.
It would appear that satire, sarcasm or indeed dramatic irony are not without severe consequences for those who dare to use them. Such tools are the equivalent of invoking the eternal wrath of Satan, The Beast otherwise known to us as ’Lucifer’. They are the black arts which no self respecting weblogger would ever consider using, especially if they were aware of the risks involved.
My advice to you is simple - stick to LOLcats, random glittery images and whatever silly memes you can find. Because once you move towards the dark art of satire, you will expect nothing less than the fear of your public persecution. To simplify, you will be hunted down, skewered upon a stake and once you start bleeding to death, you will be burned alive for your disgusting crimes against humanity.
“Burn the heretic! It uses evil spells like sarcasm!”
Invoking the wrath of otherworldly beings is considered to be blasphemous and in some developed countries, a hideous crime for which the penalty is immediate death. Of course, playing around with dark forces and making fun of others may seem tempting but I assure you that by doing so, you will become worse than any serial killer or animal rapist that has ever walked the earth.
Incidentally, these naughty people can repent and even rehabilitate for their simple crimes. A quick slap on the wrist normally puts them in their place anyway. But satire is the work of The Antichrist, a vile transgression for which there is no mortal penance but death itself. In fact, we deserve much, much worse.
A satirical blogger, ready to die at the hands of God.
—
My name is Qelqoth and I am scum. Not many places on the Internet accept scum so I am dearly grateful to .45 Calibre Web for allowing me to cross post on his weblog. You won’t like me though, being that I’m scum and everything. Incidentally, this was originally posted on MySpace. Yeah, I’m lazy scum too. Want to visit my scummy website? Here is a link to it. Thank you.
- StumbleUpon |
- Digg |
- Del.ico.us |
I’m quite pleasant really. I enjoy nice long walks on the beach, tea and cake in the afternoon and I absolutely adore Chopin. In the evenings, I love curling up with a nice Jane Austin novel while my pet cat purrs away in the background. I’m just a really nice guy.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 2:25 pm
Bloody liar.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 2:26 pm
Thank Heavens I just purchased a grip of glittery stock images.
Thank you for bringing this persecution to public notice, Qelqoth. Your black arts are always welcome here, along with “Discreet Married Dating” and “Kill Herpes Now!” ads.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 2:34 pm
[in stereotypical vampire accent] I never drink….memes.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 2:37 pm
I’m so goth, I shit bats.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 2:39 pm
I just noticed those myself. That’s fucking hilarious. Hey, let’s go totally SEO on your website by saying that .45 Calibre Webspace is the definative web service for herpes treatment and infidelity. That’s right folks - herpes treatment and infidelity. Lulz.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
100% Guaranteed to be 97.4% effective. haha.
I can’t wait to do some more keyword optimizing.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 2:55 pm
I only see penis enlargement ads?
I was going to comment on Mr Qelqoths site today but I realised I had nothing valuable or funny to say about pac man as I have never played it :)
Claire’s last blog post..Wordless in Wales
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 3:20 pm
You’re a rare breed Claire. That game is pure bloody evil. Not as evil as me though. I’m scum. A bunch of people on MySpace said so and that’s good enough for me. But you’re lucky. Pac-Man is more addictive than midget pr0n. :)
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 3:23 pm
More SEO madness from Qelqoth: Typing “scummy website” into Google lists .45 Calibre Webspace on the very first page. Not that I think this is a scummy website. .45 Calibre Webspace kicks ass although the use of satire is quite scummy, innit? :)
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 3:50 pm
It seems like a lucky escape indeed for me, I also have missed out on the midget porn.
Mr.45 is also on the first page for scallop man :)
Claire’s last blog post..Wordless in Wales
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 4:00 pm
Search engine referrals are fucking ace, it must be said. I mean, I have a bloody laugh posting fake news and that on my site but the search terms used to discover my website…they really are priceless.
In the last six hours, the following criteria was used to discover yours truly; “Tricks for menstruating while nursing”, “My Little Pony Cult”, “Paranoia Irritable Bowel”, and “Beat genital to a bloody pulp”.
There are countless others of course but man, they give me no end of fucking amusement. :)
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
Perhaps you only see what you want to see.
Here are a few of my recent favs: “trannies in slavery”,”soil caliber tits”,”testicles+afraid”,”white people are dangerous”,”ie sucks balls”
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 4:33 pm
I want that movie. :D
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 4:35 pm
Penis enlargement and herpes aside, I must say the bible-like illustration is very cool. Is it, perchance, Michael Dore?? He has some rather awesome yet brutally graphic drawings….
Qelgoth (how the hell do you pronounce that?? “KELLGOTH”??? I’ll just call you Goth. Can’t screw that one up too much) - Anyway - as far as being the antichrist or equally vile evil doer…. pisssshaw!! Unless you got the mark of the beast as a very distinct birthmark on your head and can prove it with pictures that are not photoshopped, I ain’t buying it! Although bloodletting and funeral pyres are wayyyyyy cool…….
Petra’s last blog post..ARGH!!! The Mean Realities of Life
Comment made by Petra on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 5:24 pm
Ignoring penis enlargement, although if the tablets worked the way they are supposed to, you couldnt really…
Anyhoo why did Mr.45 decide on Mr Qelqoth?
Claire’s last blog post..Wordless in Wales
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 6:23 pm
Also ‘My Little Pony Cult’ now that is disturbing.
Claire’s last blog post..Wordless in Wales
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 6:25 pm
Well, first I tried to think of people who might agree. When that didn’t work, I tried to think of people I had the best blackmail photos of.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 6:48 pm
Wait… animal rapists can be rehabilitated? This is news to me.
Jillian’s last blog post..Tips For a Successful Relationship: The Four C’s and One H
Comment made by Jillian on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 7:49 pm
Oh but you will post the photos anyway? :)
Claire’s last blog post..British Speak
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 8:15 pm
Shhhhh.
I’m also fond of the Smokey the Bear wildfires banner next to the picture of the burning heretic.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 26, 2008 @ 9:01 pm
I would just like to take this opportunity to provide my username in ALL CAPS; QELQOTH. It’s pronounced, “Caelcoth” and I chose this username because (a) it kicks ass and (b) it cannot be turned into an anagram. Besides, I’ve never been a goth of any sort. Thank you.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 27, 2008 @ 2:01 am
It’s true. Those My Little Pony Cult photos are highly incriminating.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 27, 2008 @ 2:02 am
But does QELQOTH mean something? I presume its Welsh?
Claire’s last blog post..British Speak
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 27, 2008 @ 5:11 am
Not really. It’s just a bunch of letters I put together to sound cool. What it means to me is that it’s my old username from back when I used to play ShadowRun on MUSH clients. But no, it’s not Welsh. The letter “Q” isn’t in the Welsh alphabet anyhow. :)
http://www.madog.org/dysgwyr/gramadeg/gramadeg1.html
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Six Degrees of Qelqoth
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 27, 2008 @ 5:56 am
ooops I should of known that :(
I even have Welsh friends, honest!
But I basically only like the country for hiking :)
Claire’s last blog post..British Speak
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 27, 2008 @ 2:33 pm
Wow…I’m not sure now what that makes me? Cause I really love ya.
Course I am here on .45’s blog so we already know I’m a little sick and twisted.
Oh…wait a minute…I think my personalities are battling for supremacy.
Okay. Dark forces, evil…what’s not to love? I can see why I love ya now!
Diamond Digger’s last blog post..Redneck Easter
Comment made by Diamond Digger on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 11:40 am
This happens when I’m let loose near alcohol. And thanks for stopping by - all your .45 are belong to us.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Six Degrees of Qelqoth
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 1:03 pm
Okay when is the next post? or at least the incriminating photos?
Claire’s last blog post..British Speak
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 3:24 pm
Slavedriver.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 3:41 pm
You tell her man. Besides, I had my fun here with all the SEO nonsense and that long winded dig at myself but my work here is done.
Oh and I am now the top Google listing for Fetish Cult. All your fetish are belong to us. :)
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Fetish Cult Leader In Vanilla Scandal
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 4:26 pm
Slavedriver? yep :)
Its your job to keep me amused.
Qelqoth that means he is free to taunt you and post photos now :)
Claire’s last blog post..Willy gets high in Wales
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 5:13 pm
This job doesn’t seem to pay very well. I’m gonna have to put my resume on Craig’s List.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 5:51 pm
I put up a personal ad on Craigslist once. I called myself ‘Divine Stinknugget’, a transsexual from New York who wanted to meet men with small penises so I could step on them. I even got a few replies. That was fun.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Fetish Cult Leader In Vanilla Scandal
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 6:21 pm
Don’t they have hookers on Craig’s List? How much will you charge? :)
Claire’s last blog post..Willy gets high in Wales
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
Divine Stinknugget offers her services for free but only on the premise that there are male genitals to stamp on.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Fetish Cult Leader In Vanilla Scandal
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 6:36 pm
I charge by the milliliter.
I’m not ready for marriage.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 28, 2008 @ 6:45 pm
milliliter or millimeter? :)
Claire’s last blog post..Willy gets high in Wales
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 29, 2008 @ 5:37 am
Because once you move towards the dark…
Man, that’s the truth. If you want to write satire, especially of the sarcastic vein, be prepared to wear out your smiley face keys. Nobody gets it. I think I’m just going to start up one of those cat blogs and start drinking heavily.
:)
Comment made by Relax Max on Mar. 29, 2008 @ 9:02 am
Depends on the service.
I’ve been exploring both these options while Qelqoth takes the heat.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 29, 2008 @ 11:24 am
Your the tease :)
I would love to see your take on a cat blog.
Claire’s last blog post..Willy gets high in Wales
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 29, 2008 @ 5:13 pm
You’d be surprised. I love…erm…cats.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 29, 2008 @ 5:19 pm
Ahh I think you have just given away what type of ‘cat’ blog it would be.
Claire’s last blog post..Willy gets high in Wales
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 29, 2008 @ 6:50 pm
I will Fatwa ANY bastard who tries to punish you Qelqoth.
.45 is on his own. :)
offendedblogger’s last blog post..The Weekender Offender
Comment made by offendedblogger on Mar. 30, 2008 @ 3:19 pm
/skewered upon a stake and once you start bleeding to death, you will be burned alive for your disgusting crimes against humanity’
Er, I only wanted to make people laugh :-(
You mean they’ll be coming around?
Right now?
Help … Nurseee!
Ooops!
Oh, oh!
Rob Hopcott’s last blog post..UK Gone West Country News - emetics to electricity - Cafe Hopcott discovers herbal electricity perpetual motion
Comment made by Rob Hopcott on Mar. 31, 2008 @ 3:20 am
Incidentally, these naughty people can repent and even rehabilitate for their simple crimes. A quick slap on the wrist normally puts them in their place anyway. But satire is the work of The Antichrist, a vile transgression for which there is no mortal penance but death itself. In fact, we deserve much, much worse.
preach on!
regretfulmorning.com’s last blog post..Relationship Advice
Comment made by regretfulmorning.com on Mar. 31, 2008 @ 11:52 am