My Superpower of Unreason
In all my years of trying to avoid people, I’ve managed to compile an amazing lack of research that seems to support a single, unproven theory: All the unpleasantness in the world is the direct result of most people’s need to get laid more. Just think about all the times you’ve said to a friend or coworker, “What a (bitch | dick | asshole | jerk | douchbag | cu** | prick | wanker | etc.)!! (He or She) really needs to get laid!” You say this because you know instinctively that the person in question really does need to get laid. There’s no rocket science involved here. People who are getting laid proper have much less reason to ever be unpleasant to those around them. They would be too busy enjoying the fulfillment of the most important of only three true biological imperatives, which is to be having as much sex as is humanly possible.
In essence, we are no different than any other species on this earth. We aren’t here to be vlookuping spreadsheets, or playing sports, or shopping for clothes, or watching plasma TVs, or fine dining, or writing blogs. These are all just things we do to occupy our time while between opportunities to have sex, and in some instances to create more of these opportunities. The only other things required of us as a species are that we eat and sleep. That’s it: have sex, eat, and sleep. It’s no mistake that these things make us feel good. You are supposed to want to do them all the time. But which of these three things makes you feel best, and what do you think that means? Again, there’s no rocket science here.
Having regular sex is the single most critical of all human purposes, and anyone that is unable to satisfy this purpose is destined to be a miserable (bitch | dick | asshole | jerk | douchbag | cu** | prick | wanker | etc.). Just look at any religious or political (hardly discernable in the U.S.) groups that repress sexuality and what do you see? That’s right, a bunch of uptight, miserable pricks that need to get laid more. Don’t even get me started on Islamic fundamentalists or any other group that may pipe-bomb me. Isn’t it crazy that in this decade there are still people that have yet to embrace the simple fact that something that feels so good couldn’t possibly be bad? Your body is telling you what you need to be doing.
An orgasm is nothing but a reward for fulfilling your primary biological purpose. It’s nature’s way of saying, “Job well done! Enjoy the rest of your evening, and forget about all that other nonsense you were worried about.” Have you ever just had an orgasm and then felt bad because you weren’t writing spreadsheets? Absolutely not. Spreadsheet time is over, let it go. In fact, I’ve had some orgasms that were so intense that the world could be burning down around me and I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t have even known what a spreadsheet was if you asked me right then; but luckily, nobody ever asked.
This is why I sometimes wish I had the ability to make people orgasm with my mind. My life is so much better when people aren’t constantly bitching at me about nonsense. Just imagine the practical applications of such a power when having to deal with someone who’s being a (bitch | dick | asshole | jerk | douchbag | cu** | prick | wanker | etc.). You could instantly make them lighten up with the realization that whatever nonsense they were just going on about isn’t really that important. Here are just a few examples, where the orgasm power is indicated by the Zap! sound it would make in my head:
- Boss: If we don’t meet this new spreadsheet deadline, heads are gonna…Zap!
- Random hot chick: My eyes are up here…Zap!
- Neighbor you stabbed: I only asked you to keep the noise…Zap!
- Commuter: Pick a lane, shit…Zap!
- Girlfriend: It’s time we have a serious talk…Zap!
- Blog reader: Where do you get off…Zap!
- Bill collector: Our records indicate that you haven’t…Zap!
- Female judge: My eyes are up here…Zap!
- Religious zealout: Jesus said…Zap!
- Irate customer: I demand to speak to somebody that…Zap!
- Wife: You put the toilet paper roll facing the wrong…Zap!
As you can see, the possibilities are endless. What is not endless, however, is my penchant for entering caption contests. If you have time before your next sex, stop over to Mattress Police to cast a vote. Even though I never get votes here, it’s still a fun game and a fine way to hone my skills in telling dick jokes.
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Food and sex are pretty much on par to me.
Jillian’s last blog post..What Would You Do If Darkseid Stole Your Car?
Comment made by Jillian on Mar. 12, 2008 @ 1:39 am
So me wanting scallop man to eat you, was just me needing an orgasm?
Your right! especially after saying you were 6′4 with the large testicles :)
Claire’s last blog post..A view from my bedroom ….
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 12, 2008 @ 7:15 am
They do make a nice combo, though if the world were burning whilst I were eating I would probably care, especially if desert was still coming.
Zap!
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 12, 2008 @ 12:04 pm
zap me again!!! bastard!
Claire’s last blog post..Wordless Beaver…
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 12, 2008 @ 3:40 pm
Why do you think I keep coming back to your blog?? It isn’t for the writing! :p
offendedblogger’s last blog post..The “Oh, um.. ehwww!!!” Offensive
Comment made by offendedblogger on Mar. 12, 2008 @ 3:41 pm
Thanks for pointing out how this power can backfire.
My blog feels like a piece of meat now.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 12, 2008 @ 4:02 pm
Zap!
Claire’s last blog post..Wordless Beaver…
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 12, 2008 @ 4:58 pm
Thanks. I needed that.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 12, 2008 @ 5:03 pm
Phew all that zapping made me sleep well last night :)
Claire’s last blog post..I am coming to America!
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 1:02 am
Behold the power!
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 1:18 am
Hey isn’t it way past your bedtime now?
you need a zap :)
Claire’s last blog post..I am coming to America!
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 4:58 am
I could have sworn I turned off my webcam.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 5:09 am
I have all the makings of a good stalker :)
————————–> poke
Claire’s last blog post..I am coming to America!
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 1:13 pm
True, but there is a 3-month waiting list. 6 if overseas.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
brilliant. i’m going to go work on my telepathic sexual prowess straight away.
Blaine Fridley’s last blog post..The Biggest Loser briefly becomes not the most boring show on TV
Comment made by Blaine Fridley on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 2:57 pm
While I completely agree with the majority of what you said (except for the having orgasm while driving bit…. especially if the aforementioned causes you to fall asleep as I am pretty sure sleeping at the wheel would ruin someones next orgasm, be it my own or whoever I ran into…) But anyway, you left out the necessity to poop…. it kinda goes hand in hand with eating…. altho some might like it with sex too…. eeewwwwww……..
Petra’s last blog post..My Top Horror Movie Pet Peeves…..
Comment made by Petra on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
I would start slow. This morning, I was actually able to make something move.
Sure it’s dangerous, but dont tell me you haven’t tried it.
True. It is equally essential, just not as glamorous.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 3:56 pm
excellent post..
I like your style
have you entered Blog Idol at Go Smell The Flowers..
you really should http://www.gosmelltheflowers.com/archives/2567
aussiecynic’s last blog post..7 reasons not to mess with children.
Comment made by aussiecynic on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 5:51 pm
a ha! but six months brings me to September when I will be at least on the same continent as you, scary huh?
:)
Claire’s last blog post..I am coming to America!
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 6:52 pm
Thank you so much. I’m still tinkering, so am hesitant to do too much publicity. As it is, I stripped out all the social web buttons until my OCD settles.
Did I say 6? I meant 9. I’m always confusing those digits.
.45 sends Claire a Pokémon
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 13, 2008 @ 11:45 pm
I really wish I could “zap” that local barmaid with the big tits.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Sexual Advice Column: Love and Marriage
Comment made by Qelqoth on Mar. 14, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
She must’ve been pretty mean.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 14, 2008 @ 4:55 pm
a pokemon! blech.
I have just bit you and turned you into a vampire,werewolf and a zombie!
—————->poke
9 months? So you want me to come for Christmas?
Claire’s last blog post..I spy……………….
Comment made by Claire on Mar. 14, 2008 @ 6:41 pm
I was wondering how I became this way.
Sure. There’s a special place I hang mistletoe.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 14, 2008 @ 6:59 pm
You had a lot of really good captions. I had a hard time picking just one.
diesel’s last blog post..Iron Man Caption Contest Winners
Comment made by diesel on Mar. 14, 2008 @ 10:18 pm
Thanks. I enjoy your contests. It’s fun to riff with someone else’s joke.
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 14, 2008 @ 10:34 pm
“Wife: You put the toilet paper roll facing the wrong…Zap!”
Man, I say this all the time…wonder if my hubby could figure out this whole zapping thing! If not, I’ll have to come back here and start being a real bitch to you!
Diamond Digger’s last blog post..Finally, the Reveal!
Comment made by Diamond Digger on Mar. 15, 2008 @ 7:46 pm
Oh, I voted for your caption too!!! Any extra zaps for that…hehehe
Diamond Digger’s last blog post..Finally, the Reveal!
Comment made by Diamond Digger on Mar. 15, 2008 @ 7:48 pm
I fear you are in need of a good, long Zap!, perhaps even multiple Zaps!
Comment made by .45 on Mar. 17, 2008 @ 6:05 pm
1. Wait a minute, are you telling me that we really AREN’T here for sports and plasma tv’s?? No way!!
2. I am not a rutting dog that is driven by impulsive physical desires of sexual lusts… but I am a wanton sexy babe who’ll rut with her husband any time of any day in any way!
3. ZAP!
kimbathewhitelioness’s last blog post..Never Alone
Comment made by kimbathewhitelioness on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 5:52 pm
Cheers to that, and thanks for the Zap! Was feeling a little tense.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 7:50 pm