Please Douche: A Love Poem
Some people love art. Some people love literature. Some people love music.
Some people love all these things; and they may also love movies, or TV, or sports, or dining, or travel, or theater, or computers, or cars, or clothes, or whatever-the-fuck. They may even love blogging, despite all good sense. I even enjoy some of these things myself, within reason. And yes, having over 36,000 tracks in my iTunes library is perfectly reasonable. Music, more than any other thing (besides maybe food), can bring people together; and by together, I mean sexually. You see, that’s what it’s all about for me; and not just with music, but with everything; because at the end of the day, there is no single thing I will ever love more than pussy.
If you put me in a cage with a button that releases food and a button that releases pussy, I’m pushing the pussy button every time. A movie button, same thing. A blogging button, not even a fucking contest. A car may have a shot, but it’s gotta be a Goddamn sexy car; and I’m talkin’ Italian sexy; not American, or Japanese, or even German sexy; because those are oxymorons. I’ll take pussy over a Lexus or a Beamer any day, any way. A Porsche might have a shot, but only the Carrera (want to be Italian much?). Porsche can shove its faggy Boxster and 911 up its ass. Also, If someone ever asks me, “Did you see that show the other night?”, my answer (usually internal) is, “No, but I saw some pussy.”, or “What kind of laptop should I get?”—“Pussy.”, or “How was your trip?”—“It was too short…on pussy.” You get the idea.
And it used to be that pussy was pussy, and whatever you were getting was serviceable enough to be worth the effort. As I get older, however, I’m finding that my taste in pussy has been growing ever more refined. I was reminded of this just the other day after taking a shower. What happened was, I had just bought some new shower soap, and I hadn’t put much thought into it at the time. After all, it’s just fuckin’ soap, and I’ll buy whatever’s on sale. It wasn’t until I got home and cracked that bitch open that I noticed it was called “Crème Douche” (on the French side of the packaging). When I first read this, I threw it across the bathroom, because I thought I had wasted 3 bucks on some chick bullshit. But when I realized this translated as “Cream Shower”, I instead punted it all the way across the street because I had actually bought soap that sounded like a gay porn flick. The only problem was that I now had no soap and I needed to take a shower for work. So, after convincing myself that it sounded more like a facial money shot (a very hetero facial money shot), I streaked across the street (while dripping wet) and retrieved the Crème Douche. If anyone had happened to take notice of the Crème Douche and the wet, naked guy retrieving it, they surely would have called the cops. I knew I was safe though, since the cops are a bunch of fat, lazy fucks that never come unless you’ve committed a traffic violation they can collect extortion money on.
After my douche, I went to work; and the truth is, I felt way more fresh than I usually do. What really tripped me out though, is that even like 6 or 7 hours post-douche, I still felt and smelled so damn fresh that I actually wanted to go fuck myself. Since I couldn’t, I just played with my nipple rings a little and cupped my ass. I also now realized that douche wasn’t just something you called your boss, but is probably fundamental to my love of pussy. If I think about it, I’ve probably just been lucky, since I find most pussy to be pretty fuckin’ delicious. I know now though, that a lot of care has gone into the prep of this delicious pussy. I can even draw a direct correlation between the amount of exterior maintenance and the quality of pussy contained within. I dated a girl (very briefly) that had some Sheena: Queen of the Jungle thing going on, and the fumes coming out of that hot spring made me want to wretch. I said (from a safe distance), “Holy fuck! Did you just vacuum a barn with that thing?! It smells like a fuckin’ landfill site in there.”—not fish, Petra. But then, on the opposite end of the spectrum, I had a girlfriend that shaved bald; and she smelled and tasted like peach cobbler ala mode—one of the most delicious flavor combinations known to man—and I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to lick that plate clean, if you know what I mean. So, that’s pretty much your scale. Jungle=Landfill to Bald=Peach Cobbler Ala Mode. In fact, if I were to manufacture douche, I already know what my first prototype would be.
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Wow, you have nipple rings? Can we see some pics?
The fact you love pussy makes you dangerous. You piss off your girl, then offer to eat it… well, let’s just say all is forgiven (provided you do it well. I’m assuming you do). This all points to my theory that a guy can get away with murder if he knows how to hit it. It’s true. Girls can get shitty sex EASY, but finding someone that strokes at the right angle is PRICELESS. Yeah, you were late for her parent’s anniversary, but later when she’s screaming your name… suddenly it’s not so important.
And Peach Cobble is delish, and I mean the actual dessert.
Jillians last blog post..Wrath of the Reusable Dialogue
Comment made by Jillian on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 10:31 pm
This goes both ways, and it’s all a matter of whether or not that person really enjoys doing it. I’ll know immediately if a girl really likes giving head, because if she doesn’t, she sucks at it (I don’t know a word that doesn’t form an unintentional pun).
Also, I need a girl to get frothing-animal wild (cuz me likey like dat), so it’s always worth getting her there for the destruction of property that will then ensue.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 10:54 pm
You got to start your own church. The church of pussy. That was a funny post man and more funny cause I believed everything what you said. If you were on a game show it might go like this.
Douche game show host: .45 whats it going to be? 100,000 dollars or some spring time fresh grade A pussy.
.45: I’m going to take the 100,000 dollars and use that money to get lots of spring time fresh grade A pussy.
Douche game show host: Correct answer and as a bonus we are giving you our spring time fresh grade A pussy gal for free. Enjoy.
soge shirtss last blog post..National Spelling bees
Comment made by soge shirts on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 11:08 pm
Uh oh how many music recommendations have I had off you? You sneaky sod :)
Now when I said you were going to do love poems this wasn’t exactly what I meant, but I like this more than soppy shit.
Phew now I need a shower, although it may be dangerous because I use Crème Douche and will probably want to fuck myself.
Claires last blog post..Boob tape and lots of it.
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 10, 2008 @ 7:59 am
Claire - That’s not a bad thing. At the very least, YOU know what YOU like ;-)
Jillians last blog post..Wrath of the Reusable Dialogue
Comment made by Jillian on Jun. 10, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
@Jillian, that is very true, but not something that should happen when I have sit in the library on my own :)
Claires last blog post..Boob tape and lots of it.
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 10, 2008 @ 4:13 pm
I haven’t laughed this hard in awhile. I have to disagree with the pussy thing though. Not long ago I had a chick over who I thought I could’ve married. Double D’s, long blond hair, shaved, but smelled like an open grave.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt (it was hot that day and we’d been doing stuff outside). However, the next two times were just as bad. If I had a choice between swimming in a dumpster full of rotting fish and baby diapers, or going down on her…well…
Comment made by Regretful Morning on Jun. 10, 2008 @ 6:03 pm
I’m starting small; I have an alter. & $100K doesn’t go very far with today’s pussy.
You call them “music recommendations”? That’s a new one.
I’ve also done the hold-out, hoping it was just a fluke. It wasn’t.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 10, 2008 @ 11:16 pm
I always come up with new things.
There is no excuse at all for smelling like an open grave, unless you are in fact dead, so shame on her.
Claires last blog post..Caption Willy
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 2:48 am
Ok - my first thought was that the soap was on a rope and you were leaving valuable info out of your story telling.
Then I thought you cupping your ass and playing with your nipple rings might look alot like the guy in Waterboy….
Then I thought - hey! I am 1/2 German! Whats so bad about that? Guys dig me.
Then I read your comment about fish and I am not sure if you were just heading of the comments you expect that I would make, or if you were making some sort of veiled remark about me and fish……
At this point I am just trying to decide if I should be offended or not, but I will wait to do so until after I stop laughing at the visuals you so eloquently described.
petras last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Vicious Dog Duo
Comment made by petra on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 8:45 am
Was it Henry Miller (again!) who described his tastes as, “Dark and strong and lots of gravy?” I think so. But he lived pussy day and night.
My mentor.
Candy Girls last blog post..WARNING TO ADVERTISERS!
Comment made by Candy Girl on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 10:32 am
Fuck Candy Girl. Who let her out? She doesn’t speak for me. But I guess she just did, didn’t she?
Relax Maxs last blog post..WARNING TO ADVERTISERS!
Comment made by Relax Max on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 10:35 am
Sorry for all the stupid comments man, but after all of that I forgot to tell you how much I enjoyed your post, and that was the reason I came over here in the first place.
I liked your post. It was funny. Didn’t quite give me a hard-on, but I think i twitched a couple of times. More vivid descriptions next time, please.
Relax Maxs last blog post.."So you really like that big Jew cock, huh baby?"
Comment made by Relax Max on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 12:59 pm
Pussy, nipple rings, and hard-ons…. who needs Showtime when you got .45 and his colorful cast of commenter’s?
Candy Cane is at it again I see……
Comment made by petra on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
Even then, someone could throw some lime on you.
You said My Finger candle should smell like fish. I couldn’t disagree more strongly.
He put gravy on pussy? Freakshow.
It’s the little BLUE pill, Max.
Don’t mind Max’s dissociative identity disorder.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 5:44 pm
I’m repulsed, shocked and upset. I totally thought that my webcam broadcast was special to you, especially the part where I shoved a gherkin up my ass and sang “Happy Birthday” to you, a la Monroe. Have you no shame, you crippler of hard-ons? Damn you Jillian. Damn you.
Qelqoths last blog post..Bear Grylls on Prison Rape Survival
Comment made by Qelqoth on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 6:31 pm
Wait, you sent that to Jillian, too?
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 6:34 pm
GAWD! That explains the gerkins strange taste……..
Comment made by petra on Jun. 11, 2008 @ 8:18 pm
Fuckin Qelqoth, you’re a damn dirty cheater!
Jillians last blog post..Wrath of the Reusable Dialogue
Comment made by Jillian on Jun. 12, 2008 @ 1:21 am
I even Stumbled that video on Picklefuckers.com; I can’t believe I’ve been played.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 12, 2008 @ 2:56 am
Hey why have I never gotten any webcam action :(
Claires last blog post..Killer monster moths and a mum update.
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 12, 2008 @ 7:28 am
I think you are being extremely tough on cats.
What else are we supposed to eat the day before payday?
Comment made by LOBO on Jun. 12, 2008 @ 6:08 pm
I’m still laughing about Picklefuckers.com. I think the peach cobbler analogy must be pretty spot on, I’ve heard “it must be because you’re a vegetarian and eat so much fruit, but you taste like peaches.” Maybe your stanky Sheena girlfriend was more into pork ribs?
Gotta love a man that can appreciate the finer points of pussy eating. And if you’re keeping track, we want video of the :ass cupping, boob fondling, and streaking across the street. That is all.
Melissas last blog post..Blogging Red Flag
Comment made by Melissa on Jun. 13, 2008 @ 10:05 pm
That had to have been the most awesome-ist post in the whole world. I am now secretly crushing on you.
Mimzies last blog post..The Museum of Sex
Comment made by Mimzie on Jun. 17, 2008 @ 7:59 am
Chocolate gherkins, courtesy of Picklefuckers.com
Qelqoths last blog post..Detachable Sex Stuff
Comment made by Qelqoth on Jun. 18, 2008 @ 1:58 am
Jesus Chr!st dude - a new post would be nice already. Geez - the keg is dry and I’m starting to sober up…..
petras last blog post..Sleepaway Camp a.k.a Comatose Petra
Comment made by petra on Jun. 20, 2008 @ 4:36 pm
Because you’re too busy performing your own. When do I get billed again?
Nothing a little lube can’t fix.
Whomever told you this obviously had their reasons at the time, but my experience with vegetarians says otherwise.
Your secret is safe here, unless Claire blabs again.
There’s nothing like a free gift with purchase.
The first step is admitting you are powerless over blogging (and apparently alcohol).
The second step is knowing that I probably don’t care, because I have my own vices to manage.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 20, 2008 @ 11:11 pm
You will be hit up for the June instalment shortly.
I never blab unless its really funny and not worth blackmailing someone over.
What are these vices that need managing? At least the peach cobbler in this post wont make you fat :)
Claires last blog post..When cyborgs go wrong..
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 21, 2008 @ 11:14 am
Damn, that’s some funny stuff.
diesels last blog post..No (Pointing Out) Fat Chicks
Comment made by diesel on Jun. 23, 2008 @ 3:25 pm
Hi Mr. .45! Just stopped by to say hello and congratulate you on the successful stay in rehab. I know how hard it is. (Rehab, not your dick.) I don’t get to come around too often anymore, so it was good to see this brand new post. Keep up the good work, okay? “bye. :)
Candy Girls last blog post..Hanoi Hilton flashbacks
Comment made by Candy Girl on Jun. 26, 2008 @ 3:12 pm
For fucks sake! write something!
In the event that you are ill in hospital/rehab/entwined with a hoochie just take a break, escape, do something.
Hugs and smiles :)
Claires last blog post..Go and look at the Doodle Week Blog
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 27, 2008 @ 7:25 pm