Taking Back Slut
No, I’m not talking about my most recent ex. She’s already on a freighter ship halfway back to Russia by now. It seems that somebody anonymously reported her to INS. The same anonymous person is also looking for a refund from a certain sex slavery website, or so I read on Technorati. The website offered him a 100% guarantee that he would be 97.4% satisfied. He was only 83% satisfied, and is still applying ointment to the other 17%. This is an unacceptable satisfaction rate and amount of ointment, the article claims.
No, the kind of slut I’m talking about doesn’t require a secure order form. They can be found at any party, bar, or Pro-Choice rally. They’ve been around and they’ll be around again. Call it the law of averages, if you like; I just call it Happy Hour.
I have noticed lately, however, that most sluts are actually afraid of being perceived as a slut. This is ridiculous. I wasn’t even aware that there was some kind of negative connotation until recently. A girl took me back to her place from a party one night and right when I was about to show her my sex dice—which are loaded, btw; they always roll “Go Down”—right then, she says to me, “I think we should wait.”
I didn’t know what she meant. I asked her, “What do you mean?”
She says, “I just think we should get to know each other better first.”
This was confusing. I told her, “I was getting to know you just fine until you started talking.”
“I just think we should wait,” she repeats, as if she wasn’t listening.
“Wait for what?” I ask. “This is a one-day sale. There’s no layaway.” I show her my flyer; it clearly says: “One Day Sale! No Layaway” (in fine print). You have to speak in terms they can understand.
Then she says, “It’s just that everybody saw me leave with you.”
I wasn’t following; I furrowed my brow.
“And I don’t want them to think I’m a slut.” she says.
“They already do!” I assured her. “So you may as well just own it.”
Anyway, she finally relented, but that was about the most annoying 20 minutes of my life. Since when is being a slut such a bad thing? I’m more concerned about a girl that isn’t a slut. This always means she’s hiding something; like a boyfriend, or a yeast infection, or a penis, or the fact that she’s a crap lay. None of these things make for an enjoyable experience.
To the girl that has nothing to hide, I say embrace your inner slut. So what if it hurts your reputation. It was probably worse than you think anyway. Just put it out there and wear it proud! Let the whole world know how much you love goin’ to the rodeo. Why not start a Slut Awareness campaign in your community? Spread the word as well as the love! You may spread other things too, but I heard that’s what condoms are for. Besides, I’ve already come to accept that having excruciating genital pain 3 days later is just the cost of doing business sometimes. Every rose really does have its thorns, just like Bret Michaels warned us—and I’m pretty sure he’s the authority on sluts (see also: Rock of Love).
What are you waiting for?? E-mail me NOW for a free Slut Starter Kit. If you act fast, I’ll even promise to still respect you when we exit the bathroom stall. Send some revealing jpegs, and I may personally save them to my hard drive to be used in an animated screensaver.
An aside: The bathroom stall thing reminded me of a random story. A goth friend was DJing at a Bondage Ball in L.A. one night, and I was there waiting in this long-ass line for the bathroom. All of a sudden these two smoking hotties grab me by the latex jumpsuit and drag me ahead of everyone into a stall in the bathroom. They ask if they can check out my gear and even though I’m pretty sure they’re gonna stab me and make off with my drink cards, I figure “What the hell”. Instead of stabbing me though, they started handling it like they were checking fruit for bruising at the grocery store. I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but I loved it. Then they both kissed me and left me to my business, which was fine, because I like to handle business alone. I’m only down with so much freak, even at a Bondage Ball. Weird, right? True though, except for the latex (I was wearing velvet).
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I believe sluts serve a purpose. In fact, the quantities are so large, there is no reason a young man of coupling age should be a Virgin.
If you can’t bang a
whoreslut, something is wrong with you.RE: The aside
Does one congratulate a fortunate molesting? :-/
Jillian’s last blog post..Why Variety is Indeed the Spice of Life
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 12:03 am
Something is wrong with society, really. (nice use of the <del> tag)
I dont know, but one certainly welcomes it, encourages even.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 2:13 am
I thought Bret warned us that every rose had Hepatitis C.
Comment made by Mark on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 3:02 am
I dread to think what is in the Slut Starter Kit.
(no I wont be emailing for one cheeky pants)
sex dice/truffles, again with the lovely imagery :)
Velvet! I want to see pictures.
Claire’s last blog post..Lazy arse post again: News!
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 4:52 am
I wish I had heard that version. Was that from a live show? Dammit, I can’t stop singing “Every Rose Has Hep C” now.
A little piece of me.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 5:02 am
Ouch! you twat.
I still laughed though,heh.
Claire’s last blog post..Lazy arse post again: News!
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 5:10 am
It was so worth it to be called a twat.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 10:42 am
May SCALLOP MAN devour you!
Claire’s last blog post..Lazy arse post again: News!
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
Okay, now you’re just being mean.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 12:21 pm
LOL… CONGRATULATIONS on your fortunate molesting. May there be many more where that came from.
And by “from” I mean from actual women… not the ones packin heat.
Jillian’s last blog post..Why Variety is Indeed the Spice of Life
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 3:27 pm
Can never be too careful these days, especially in S.F.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 1, 2008 @ 8:14 pm
Well nothing but scallop man seems to offend, you big velvety plaything :)
Claire’s last blog post..Another devilish view
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 2, 2008 @ 4:54 am
Guys are the biggest sluts out there. You know it’s true. :)
ettarose’s last blog post..Tuesday Link Love Story
Comment made by ettarose on Apr. 2, 2008 @ 6:08 am
“I was getting to know you just fine until you started talking.”
Im so stealing that line hahah!
regretfulmorning.com’s last blog post..This weeks Regretful Submission
Comment made by regretfulmorning.com on Apr. 2, 2008 @ 8:07 am
Being a slut is the greatest charity work a woman can do.
“I was getting to know you just fine until you started talking.”
GREATEST LINE EVER!
Trukindog’s last blog post..Evil Brewery
Comment made by Trukindog on Apr. 2, 2008 @ 5:29 pm
If you say his name a third time you will incur his wrath.
True, unless you count Jessica Biel.
I was shooting from the hip.
Also true. Mother Theresa had it all wrong.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 2, 2008 @ 5:45 pm
What we need to better raise awareness is a slut in the White House. That’ll take care of international “affairs”.
Jason - GorillaSushi’s last blog post..Shirt of The Month - RickRoll IRL
Comment made by Jason - GorillaSushi on Apr. 2, 2008 @ 5:50 pm
That’s why I support Hillary. I think it’s payback time.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 2, 2008 @ 6:03 pm
Scallop Man! heh.
I love how slut talk brings all the boys to the yard.
Claire’s last blog post..Another devilish view
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 2, 2008 @ 6:20 pm
I’m a slut.
Qelqoth’s last blog post..Scottsdale Infected With Testicular Virus
Comment made by Qelqoth on Apr. 3, 2008 @ 3:51 am
I’m so tempted to order the “Slut Starter Kit”…just curious what exactly would I get?
Will I get some kind of certificate on completion?!!
Diamond Digger’s last blog post..Redneck Easter
Comment made by Diamond Digger on Apr. 3, 2008 @ 7:32 am
I thought the sluts could use some.
I read that on a bathroom wall.
Claire might know.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 3, 2008 @ 7:49 am
Ohh you twunty bastard :(
You are not going to come off well in this story of mine.
Claire’s last blog post..Ominous clouds
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 3, 2008 @ 9:19 am
What else is new?
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 3, 2008 @ 9:38 am
Velvet?? You know I could totally rag you on what the girls were checking for just because velvet offers certain *softer* suggestions, but I will refrain from such comments as I am a nice person and have no problem whatsoever with gay people.
Gay people and bondage aside, I must say that I applaude your acceptance of sluts. They need loving too after all, and anyone willing to risk an occasional venerial desease for the betterment of their psyche is ok in my book (from a distance of course. I wouldn’t want to catch anything.)
petra’s last blog post..Survival Tactics for “Horror”ific Predicaments
Comment made by petra on Apr. 3, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
Whatever works. I have no shame.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 3, 2008 @ 1:09 pm