Back to Basics
It was just about 6 months ago now that I was in the process of transcribing some old stand-up routines to story form (like this one on the Clap), because I don’t do much live performance anymore and thought I might be able to salvage some of the material to be utilized elsewhere. Where else, exactly, had yet to be determined; but I was encouraged by some friends (and enemies) to see if I couldn’t make some of these ideas work in the increasingly popular weblog format. At the time, I had suspected that these so-called blogs were only used by 14-year-old girls to flap their traps about things like boys and shopping. As I would soon learn first-hand, however, this was almost entirely true.
A funny thing began to happen though, as I was painfully trudging my way through the mountains of nonsense that are blogged about on a daily basis: people started reading my own nonsense, and commenting on it in hate-mail and death-threats (mostly from uptight chicks). This was fucking fantastic as far as I was concerned. It isn’t until you’ve managed to piss people off enough that they actually exert their energy on wishing you dead, that you can know for sure you’ve produced something meaningful and worthwhile. To be liked can be effortless and boring, as you need only regurgitate what most people want to hear; and to elicit no reaction at all is an utter waste of time.
That said, and despite my finest early efforts, there has been a whole other segment of readers that have not only refused to wish me dead, but instead, continue to say and do nice things in support of my blogging efforts. Well, a guy can only take so much of this niceness before he’s completely helpless to really like these people. For example, take Claire of A Little Piece of Me. You may have noticed on entering that my new banner looks a lot like one of her doodles. This isn’t because I’ve managed to cop her doodle style; it’s because I told Claire I needed a new banner and she made one for me. I know, I know; you’re thinkin’, “Claire did something that nice? No way in hell.” It’s true though. She even doodled a nekkid stripper and a couple of my own favorite characters: the one-armed, lesbian trucker that made me wear lipstick and the Mexican boy that shines my shoes for Vicodin (when potting soil’s scarce). Six months ago, I could never have imagined that the fucked up shit in my head would make its way around the globe and be given life by such a receptive and fun-loving British chick that’s prone to bursting out of her top (yes, I like that story).
So, as much as I thought death-threats were the only way to go, this nice thing ain’t so bad either. The only problem is that it makes me want to be nice too, and no good could possibly ever come from that. I’ve been feeling lately that my writing has been getting too soft and sloppy; like a gooey, toasted marshmallow you can’t get off your fingers. This wasn’t by way of anyone saying I needed to do that, but has been somewhat of a self-imposed filter I’ve been using in an effort to embrace a wider and more diverse range of visitors. Really though, what the fuck purpose does that serve? My intention from the beginning was to be wholly “unfiltered”, yet I seem to have lost my way. I mean, this isn’t the fuckin’ Disney Channel; it’s the internet; and if you can’t be free to fully express yourself on the internet, then where can you? It’s not like I’m getting a paycheck for this or am forcing anyone to read what I write. If they don’t like it, there are a gazillion of other sites about puppies and rainbows they can fondle themselves over. And also, as my intent has degraded, so too has my interest to continue on. There are other factors involved, like the fact that I haven’t even wanted to look at a computer after getting off work lately; and also, that I have a shit wi-fi connection in my new place and can barely load anyone’s pages, including my own. The whole deal just hasn’t been very fun lately, is the bottom line.
Rather than just quietly drift off, however, what I’m going to try to do is bring the Headspace back in check and stop worrying so much about rubbing all these visitors the wrong way. I don’t even know whom these hundreds of people a day are that I’m trying to cater to. It’s only a handful of them that ever really contribute anything, and I can throw all kinds of crazy shit at that handful, knowing full-well that they can take it—and even throw it back.
So going forward, I’m going to pretend I never gave a fuck about getting tons of useless traffic. For starters, this means not trying to follow some arbitrary publishing schedule, but only posting things when my heart’s really in it. I’ve also already recalled myself from a number of directories and stripped all the community “widgets” off my pages. Entrecard is the last, and will only remain until the last ad (for the hair band loving Petra) in my queue runs, then that bitch is gone too (Entrecard, that is). The Javascript for Entrecard has actually been the biggest thorn in my side for page loads, but all that bloat (javascript, flash, APIs, ads) has been killing me, so it’s all comin’ down and getting disabled in my own browser. I even dumped Twitter, mostly because it’s just fuckin’ annoying. If I had to read one more damn “tweet” about what someone just ate or was planning to eat, I was gonna skull someone. Twitter manages to make people that are otherwise interesting become painfully boring. This isn’t to say I haven’t been guilty myself; the platform encourages, even urges, banality.
Basically, I’m rolling things back to how they were in the beginning, with the only exception being the fantastic banner Claire made. It will not only represent a fresh start, but will also remind me that I’ve at least met a few great people during this process that are reason enough to keep it going, even despite their lack of death threats. Thank you Claire, and others, for your continued kind words and support.
- StumbleUpon |
- Digg |
- Del.ico.us |
Few things:
A) That banner kicks ass
B) I’d like to see you run a monthly segment called “45 cal on crack” where you shoot from the hip, intending to piss people off. After that, you need to post the hate mail so we can point and laugh at the fem nazi’s - all while patting you on the back and saying “dont worry bro its just a death threat”
C) I will miss dropping my ecard on you :<
Regretful Mornings last blog post..Regretful Submission - Graveyard Guzzling
Comment made by Regretful Morning on May. 29, 2008 @ 10:16 pm
Well it’s about time we hear from you. I like the banner. Damn Claire and her niceness… and talent… and other awesomeness.
I’d only get pissed if I found out you were a closet Dane Cook fan. That would be some fucked up shit. I mean you aren’t, are you???
Jillians last blog post..Interlude: Greed, for Lack of a Better Word, is Good
Comment made by Jillian on May. 29, 2008 @ 11:11 pm
I thought you had got it up!
So I came here all excited, only to be disappointed :(
On further investigation:
It is not showing up in the latest version of FF3 and is funked up on IE7, so I cant even see my creation.
I loved doing the doodle banner for you and the several webcam dances were payment enough, you can breakdance after all! (nekkid).
I look forward to you writing stuff that may illicit a death threat or two.
Claires last blog post..Caption This!
Comment made by Claire on May. 30, 2008 @ 4:17 am
Okay I refreshed and it appeared! Hooray!
Computers continue to conspire against me.
Claires last blog post..Caption This!
Comment made by Claire on May. 30, 2008 @ 4:21 am
Goddam. Welcome back to the world of the living, my friend. What good news your post is to these sore eyes.
Getting yourself back on the right track and being true to yourself again will have at least one major drawback, however: you will be seeing a hell of a lot more of ME from now on.
And I am going to be SO on your ass!
Damn, but you made me happy this morning. You’d better not be fucking lying.
Relax Maxs last blog post..You Only Live Twice
Comment made by Relax Max on May. 30, 2008 @ 4:29 am
ok. For starters, Clairebear is a DOLL and to think otherwise is blasphemy. I don’t doubt for a SECOND that she loved making the banner. I question tho the pole dancer. Is that perhaps Claire’s alter ego being uninhibited?
Secondly, you nice? Hello! Did I just wake up in Oz? Your pretense at being a male chauvinistic pig does nothing to hid the big teddy bear lurking in the corner of your heart. We just don’t let you know we see it is all…..
Of course I’m pretty sure you were calling ME a bitch in your post and NOT Entrecard and for that I am pretty sure you are pent up with something, I’m just not sure what it is….. perhaps Claire can draw a picture of it???
Claire? What ‘cha got?
petras last blog post..Planet Terror: Can you handle it??
Comment made by petra on May. 30, 2008 @ 4:28 pm
For the love of Christ-I just found this site so I am glad you are not throwing in the towel when I have just had my wickedly twisted humor slightly stroked, but by no means satisfied! So more power to you guy do what you gotta do to bring out the good stuff…
getsmartgals last blog post..Google Translator Widget
Comment made by getsmartgal on May. 30, 2008 @ 4:42 pm
A) I enjoy it everytime I see it.
B) Maybe if I didn’t have to turn tricks to score rock.
C) I miss dropping e, but not so much cards.
Closet? No. My other site is a fanzine. Want to subscribe?
Don’t worry. I offer a 100% guarantee of leaving you 97.4% satisfied. Also, I sometimes forget that IE7 is the Etch-a-Sketch of browsers; but then, I don’t really care either. Anyone still using it deserves what they get.
That’s what my last cellmate told me. I stabbed him in the eye with a toothbrush.
He has big fangs and eats children and small dogs.
If I were, I wouldn’t have thought to clarify. Strong-opinioned maybe, but who am to talk?
I’ve never heard it called that, but I’ll be happy to stroke it more.
Comment made by .45 on May. 30, 2008 @ 8:10 pm
Booooo.
Jillians last blog post..Interlude: Greed, for Lack of a Better Word, is Good
Comment made by Jillian on May. 31, 2008 @ 2:38 am
Despite the glaring omission of potting soil, I think that banner rocks.
LOBOs last blog post..In the Beginning
Comment made by LOBO on May. 31, 2008 @ 8:57 am
97.4% sounds pretty damn good, I can make up the rest myself :)
Hey the ‘receptive’ and ‘fun loving’ make me sound like a trollop.
@petra, tis not my alter ego. I would be the one with the gun and the cats, not ruddy pole dancing :)
Hooray for everyone saying the banner kicks ass, rocks and is awesome!
@lobo there is a bag of soil!
Claires last blog post..Clown Hookers and Doodle Boobs
Comment made by Claire on May. 31, 2008 @ 1:45 pm
Does that mean you don’t want to subscribe? I’m running a Summer Special.
You must’ve missed the bag next to the Mexican Revolution boy.
Sorry. I was going for ‘Clown Hooker’, but must’ve overshot the mark.
You’ve really outdone yourself, Claire. Where do I send the cherry lube?
Comment made by .45 on May. 31, 2008 @ 9:47 pm
“must’ve overshot the mark”
Yes I can see how that could happen :)
“Where do I send the cherry lube?”
You are determined to permanently associate you+cherry lube in my mind.
Claires last blog post..And the award goes to…..
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 1, 2008 @ 3:54 am
Yeesh … at first I thought that said “salt”.
… Now I think I need $400 glasses.
LOBOs last blog post..In the Beginning
Comment made by LOBO on Jun. 1, 2008 @ 7:51 am
Just one of the many tricks in my Bag ‘o.
I think you’ve crossed your stereotypes, though I’m not sure how.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 2, 2008 @ 9:04 pm
Sorry for the lack of death threats. I’ll get right on it.
Die… 45…. Die…
Don’t death threats seem kind of boring?
Lauras last blog post..Manic Monday: Over
Comment made by Laura on Jun. 3, 2008 @ 12:46 pm
That new banner is so powerfully arousing that I fear my todger has torn right through my trousers.
I can barely remember what I was going to say. Something about tits, I think.
No, wait - I remember now! I too am going to stripping; that is to say I shall be clearing my journals of all the useless guffery which currently clogs it up. Great minds think alike, eh?
Also: tits.
Comment made by Lord Likely on Jun. 3, 2008 @ 6:34 pm
Got to wonder what else is in that bag :)
Claires last blog post..I am stuck!
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 3, 2008 @ 8:28 pm
Love the banner, especially how her magical coochie seems to be zapping you with a lightning bolt of inspiration.
So glad to hear you aren’t leaving the Interwebs. Tell the haters they just need a good, hard f@cking to put them in a better mood.
But do you really have to leave twitter? (blink, blink). I haven’t even gotten the chance to follow you and become disillusioned and bored yet!
Melissas last blog post..Why Do My Eggplants Look Like Peppers?
Comment made by Melissa on Jun. 3, 2008 @ 11:37 pm
It depends on the threat, really. My favorites are those that involve broadswords. Pipe-bombs are so impersonal.
Cool, but how did you get those pictures? Also, the great thing about tits is, well, everything.
Anal beads.
I’m not sure what you meant to say with the censoring, but I think it may have something to do with My Superpower of Unreason; and yeah, “tweets” were rubbing me the wrong way, and I only like to be rubbed the right way (or not at all).
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 4, 2008 @ 5:36 pm
I hope the anal beads are for your use.
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 5, 2008 @ 4:25 am
No, but the nipple clamps are.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 5, 2008 @ 6:34 am
I hear you. I try to be nice to people, but it’s hard to be funny and nice at the same time. And then you get all kinds of nice people visiting and leaving nice comments, and you forget why you started writing this crap. Fortunately, I get called an asshole enough to remind me.
diesels last blog post..Two Questions and an Announcement
Comment made by diesel on Jun. 5, 2008 @ 11:22 pm
I would prefer the nipple clamps to the beads.
Write something new damn it!
Then more people will see my/your banner :)
Claires last blog post..Boob tape and lots of it.
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 5:29 pm
Did you forget Inappropriate Card Day?
Keep your panties on! At least until the webcam’s live.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 5:41 pm
Pfft whose wearing any?
Write something with your magic wand.
Claires last blog post..Boob tape and lots of it.
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 5:47 pm
Me, why?
Funny, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 5:56 pm
Erm? :)
If you play with that magic wand too much it may break.
Claires last blog post..Boob tape and lots of it.
Comment made by Claire on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 6:18 pm
Jesus Christ don’t you know anything about blogging??? A post every two weeks kinda makes you lame…
Or perhaps I am a nerd…. or obsessive…. or an obsessive nerd…..
Comment made by petra on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 6:39 pm
Perhaps you misread the preceding post where I said I no longer care to follow these crap rules (and it’s only been 9 days. Breathe).
It’s already proven itself to be extremely durable (knock on wood).
Comment made by .45 on Jun. 9, 2008 @ 6:40 pm