.45 Caliber Headspace

We are now fast approaching my favorite time of year…the beginning. Despite previous skepticism, they don’t call this the “New Year” for nothing. After having been involved in a number of these “New Years”, I am now able to confirm that this is actually an ideal time to wipe my slate clean of the prior year’s sexual harassment and lude behaviour accusations and pretend to be a better man. This pretense will last approximately two months, at which time I will have reached my threshold of endurance for these unwelcome lifestyle changes. In years past, this was also a time, thanks to tax refunds, when my pockets would be lined thick with extra George Washingtons to throw at strippers…this, while still employable by organizations outside the Russian mafia. I have since learned that paper currency is indeed a stripper’s preferred form of gratuity, with small change having a tendency to leave unsightly bruises, thus diminishing future ROI.

This year, however, with no expected refund on the horizon (can’t play if you don’t pay), I imagine I’ll be spending less time at Jumbo’s Clown Room (Yes, in L.A., but ain’t noone does it betta than the JCR) and more time pursuing other endeavors to better myself in these first critical weeks of the year. Following, then, is a list of my New Year’s Resolutions and what I hope to gain from each. See you in June at rehab.

• Diet: While an intake plan consisting solely of cigarettes and Red Bull would seem satisfactory in and of itself, I read somewhere that it may also be beneficial to consume some of the other food items available where I buy my cherry-flavored lube. I have yet to experiment in this area, but feel willing to give it a shot this year.
• Be Faithful: If I’m stuck in a relationship, like after a “too long stand”, I will not sleep with my girlfriend’s best friend just because she had one too many Cosmos and fancied herself a Ginger Rogers in search of steed. Watch your friends ladies, especially this time of year. “But, it was midnight and he had cherry lube!” You bet I did. Also, while at the JCR, if Mercedes is performing, I will not sneak off with Viper to the “Two Buck Chuck” room for a facedance. I will instead wait until Mercedes has left the stage to sanitize her pole-clenching muscles.
• Exercise: After a long, hard year of IV drug use, my veins have weakened and become generally unreceptive to further needle penetration. Working out will help restore them to their former suitability as substance delivery conduits. The gym is also a great place to expose myself to a wide array of endorphin-riddled hardbodies whom, whilst lost to serotonin surge, will be virtually defenseless against my well-stocked predatory bag o’ tricks.
• Take Steroids: To facilitate this aforementioned exercise, I plan to initiate a steroid cycle. Besides the obvious contribution to some short-lived gains in tone, I also hope to experience some of the other advertised benefits. In particular, I’m interested in this “shrinkage of the testicles”. I’d be thrilled if I could shed a few grams in that area because as is, my testicles are far too large to be able to shuffle about with any comfort. Also, trying to find boxers that can contain them has just simply become too great a cross to bear. Another benefit I’m hoping to cash in on is this “heightened aggression”. If still stuck with a girlfriend and I accidentally give her a shiner, I could blame it on “roid rage”…this time. Especially knowing now that “Because she drank my last Red Bull” doesn’t win me any votes on the jury.
• Be Altruistic: If I see an old lady struggling, as we all struggle, with those stupid, paper grocery bags we’re forced to use in San Francisco now, instead of turning up Judas Priest on my iPod and rushing past, while aggressively strumming air guitar and bellowing the chorus to, “You’ve Got Another Coming”, I will stop and offer to help and simply hope she declines. If any other than an old lady or T-Shirt friendly hardbody, however, it’s Judas Priest time.
• Practice Safe Sex: Nice thought, but I’m not shootin’ for the moon here.