.45 Caliber Headspace

So, I stopped drinking…in the morning. I want my Alcoholics Anonymous chip, by the way. You know those silly, plastic AA chips they give you as a gold star for staying sober? I want mine now. I deserve it. OK, maybe I only deserve half a chip. You can cut a chip in half to signify an alcohol free morning, and once I have this half chip I’m going to superglue it to my palm or the homicide gloves I’m sometimes still wearing in the morning…reliving the experience (and retaining moisture)…but with this half chip on my palm, when I reach for that vodka and Tang with my egg whites, the half chip will clink on the glass and I’ll stop myself because I’ll remember that I’m not supposed to drink that delicious libation I prepared for myself.

Anyways, now that I’ve stopped drinking…in the morning, I’m discovering that all kinds of thoughts have been waiting to pass through my head. I don’t like these thoughts. They’re not crazy thoughts, like “Maybe I should stuff the cat in the blender today.” No, these are just heavy, meaty thoughts. There are too many of them taking up space in there, my brain. If my brain were a chick, it would be a fat chick, just bursting out of the low-risers that fat chicks should never wear, but do. So fat that you wouldn’t want to talk to the hot chick she’s with because no wing man is gonna rise to the occasion to keep the fat friend occupied. But yeah, these thoughts are just heavy musings and remembrances, and I neither want to muse nor remember, so this is dead weight.

A good thought I had, though, was how great it would be if there was some kind of manpon, like a tampon, but instead it would control the flow of thoughts that run through a guy’s head. You would stick it in your ear and it would have multiple functions. The primary function is that it would absorb those heavy thoughts. The secondary, but also very useful functions are that a) when someone asks you to do something, you can play it off like you didn’t hear them because you clearly have a defective hearing aid and b) if ever witness to an assassination, you can pretend to be Secret Service by putting a hand to your ear and pointing to someone you don’t like. That person will then be summarily beaten senseless and thrown in a pit with Oswald, Bin Laden, the Sun, and other fictional characters¹.

When the manpon goes into mass production, it shouldn’t be marketed as being “extra” or “ultra” absorbent. These terms mean nothing to me. A good manpon would be Mega or Giga absorbent. Those are descriptors I can jibe with. Mega or Giga. “Have you tried the Megapon? I barely had a thought all week.” “No, I’m using the Gigapon. I don’t think about shit. It’s fantastic.” The Mega or Giga “pon” would come in packaging with a dude flexing his guns, like Brawny paper towels. I buy Brawny paper towels just because the packaging has a dude flexing his guns and if I have to buy paper towels, I know those are the ones for me. I will throw shit on the floor just so I can swipe it up with Brawny paper towels and I will have full confidence that the mess of a blended cat on the floor will be adequately absorbed.