.45 Caliber Headspace

I’d like to thank everyone for patiently waiting out my past week of selflessly committing most of my time to making my new layout work in Internet Explorer. I’m now happy to announce that this dream has finally been realized and my pages are now fully viewable in even the worst of web browsers; so as not to deprive a soul of my lurid exhibitionism. Now that this is done (mostly), I can recommence with the business of filling the internet with truly irresponsible pearls of wisdom, and what better way to do this than revisiting one of my favorite formats, “Ask .45”. As some followers already know, I hate to leave random internet searchers hanging by not having the information they were looking for; so I’ve tried to respond to some of their missed search requests as best I can, and there is truly some real talent in this lot.

needle penetration of the testicles?

Umm. Not right now, thanks. I already sent them out this week to be polished. If only you’d asked me three days ago, freakshow.

keeps them off the pole

I would tell you what this thing is if it weren’t in my own best interests to keep them on the pole. You will neither see me endorse nor disclose any form of pole deterrent. These are not only cruel, but would put Jumbo’s Clown Room out of business as a refuge for wayward strippers. I will, however, create logos for such products so I can sell them on T-Shirts.

.45’s caliber t-shirts

Funny you should ask. I think I may have just what you’re looking for.

to catch a predator peanut butter cat

This is the latest incarnation of the disturbing MSNBC series where people such as middle-aged republicans and religious leaders go on MySpace and Facebook to arrange for the sexual abuse of adolescents. Afraid of the impact that the harsh realities of this show would have on its consumer demographic, the producers decided to change its format to document an epic hunt for the strange and purely mythical Peanut Butter Cat. This change in format was only decided upon after intensive network research seemed to indicate the higher probability of people actually leaving their house to purchase its sponsors’ products if they weren’t in a perpetual state of paranoia, thinking that everyone from the mailman to the President is out to molest their children. Everyone knows that Peanut Butter Cats don’t do this. Their actual reason for being has yet to be determined, however. In all seriousness though, this show does disturb me and I want to know what this person is on—and where I can buy a kilo.

de beers slavery

This is the state of having sold your soul to keep your loved one adorned in the jewelry she needs to continue making all her friends sick with envy at cocktail parties. This also refers to the actual process of acquiring the raw materials for this jewelry, wherin the children of Sierra Leone are not even paid in viable potting soil, but are just lucky to have made it another week without losing an appendage for not meeting their quota of digging.

“naked jump rope”

This isn’t really a missed search, but I wanted to take the time to mention it since I get at least a few of these a day. It’s no surprise to me that so many people are looking for information on naked jump-rope, but I hadn’t realized that I’m clearly the authority on the topic despite only having mentioned my naked jump-rope league once. Sadly, I don’t have more to offer just yet in the way of DVDs, but I can assure you that this is in the pipeline. For those still skeptical of the crazed demand for all things naked jump-rope, here are just a few more of the search queries I receive on a daily basis:

1. girl jump rope naked
2. girl naked jump rope
3. girl jump ropes naked
4. girls jump roping naked
5. jump rope naked
6. jumping rope naked
7. naked jump rope
8. naked+jump rope
9. naked jump roping
10. naked jumprope

what does .45 caliber mean

.45 caliber: 1. of or relating to the bore of a gun (or its ammunition) that measures forty-five hundredths of an inch in diameter, see also “headspace”.

Headspace: 1. the distance measured from the part of the chamber that stops forward motion of the cartridge (the datum line) to the face of the bolt. If the headspace is too short, ammunition that is in specification may not chamber correctly. If headspace is too large, the cartridge case may rupture, possibly damaging the firearm and or possibly injuring the shooter [poor shooter].

rodent infestation humor

This is fast becoming one of the most popular forms of humor on the internet, soon to surpass even the most prolific and unfortunate of humor categories, “clueless housewife humor”. This can’t happen a moment too soon as far as I’m concerned. Clueless housewife humor holds no appeal for me. I already know that babies shit everywhere; I don’t need to read the continuing analysis of this supposed amazing phenomenon 87,000 times/day on Technorati. Just stick the baby’s nose in it and lay some newspaper down. He’ll learn soon enough.

“hummer in san francisco”

San Francisco is actually one of the easiest cities to get a hummer in. You only need play the yuppie momentarily. To do this, simply speak loudly into your iPhone wherever possible about the hostile takeovers you’re planning that will more firmly entrench your enterprise software in the fabric of Silicon Valley. I must warn you, however, to steer clear of the Castro District—unless man-love is your thing. I got lost here one night after taking a wrong turn on my way to the STD clinic. The Castro is a strange and frightening world to me. It feels like being in Tijuana where everything is in Spanish, except that here everything is in Gay. Every billboard and window sign sports a picture of aggressively narcissistic men in Speedos. I stopped at a Starbucks and even my coffee was in Gay. I ordered it tall and strong, but was given light and sweet in a Big Gulp cup. I also felt pairs of eyes burning holes through me, but I realized later this was only because I was wearing a highly inappropriate Marlboro Man T-Shirt.

good head space

see “‘hummer in san francisco’”

my girlfriend forced me wear lipstick

You’re girlfriend is either trouble with a capital “T”, just a little kinky, or a lesbian and you her disappointment. Please send me her E-mail address immediately and/or a YouTube link of your total emasculation so I can Stumble it while I investigate this matter further.