.45 Caliber Headspace

After responding to hate mail from my Mom and Mensa (Mensa thinks I’ve set men back 180 minutes and I had to explain that I’m on the West Coast and there’s a time difference), I checked my server logs to see how people were being directed to 45 Caliber Web this week. I feel bad when random internet searchers stumble on this site and don’t necessarily find the information they were looking for. So in an attempt to create a better user experience for them, I thought I would try fielding some of these misdirected search requests.

“are there any anal beads that are not so messy”

First, I’d like to point out that Jeeves is dead. Luckily, however, you can now “Ask .45” and my answer is no. There are no self-cleaning anal beads yet, but I have filed a patent and hope to have a production model ready as early as Q3 of 2008. In the meantime, to help minimize anal bead “mess”, I suggest not eating for 24 hours prior to bead usage. I also advise a little Roto-Rooter service and a long bath in some highly abrasive, yet non-toxic solvents.

“white chick nicknames”

Here are a few white chick nicknames that I’m aware of:

1. Snowbunny
2. Baby Mama
3. Milky Way
4. Carrier
5. Money Pit
6. Dirty Spice
7. The Plaintiff
8. Jiffy Lube
9. Pale Rider
10. Hillary

“tang shrink testicles”

In this search an “Ask .45” phraseology would have been useful. If the searcher was looking to know “Does tang shrink testicles?” the answer is no. If otherwise, they were looking to know “Can I make tang shrink testicles?” the answer is yes, if mixed with steroids. This cocktail has recently become quite popular in many forward-thinking sports bars.

“big black manpon print out”

To avoid confusion with the term now popularized by Big Black, of MTV’s Rob and Big, my concept of a manpon shall henceforth only be referred to by its brand name of Megapon (not to the exclusion of Gigapon, the extra-strength formulation). The Big Black “Manpon” is an entirely different product aiming to prevent the unwelcome leakage that may sometimes occur after eating 40 hot wings. I say if you eat 40 hot wings, you pay the price. Regardless of my take, Big Black’s leaky ass is not an image I want to have associated with my thought prevention product. In fact, I wish I already had a prototype of the thought prevention product so I could blot this image out of my mind forever. I do recognize, however, that there may be some crossover appeal with the self-cleaning anal beads, so I’m hesitant to completely rule out potential partnership agreements. Regarding the specification of “print out” in the search request, I imagine the searcher was hoping to know if the Big Black Manpon had some kind of analysis mechanism that could tell you what the leakage consists of. Since this is only a ball of wadded up tissue paper, I would have to say no.

“manpon machine”

This is the name that the aforementioned Big Black is now choosing to go by. All existing merchandise once bearing the initials “BB” will be pulled from shelves and replaced by new merchandise bearing the initials “MM”. This is also the term I use in the boardroom to describe the third-world workforce that will be responsible for the production of the Megapon at the cost of mere handfuls of viable potting soil per hour.