The Shit List
Not to long ago my husband and I were at a friend’s house. There we were, sitting in the garage enjoying an assortment of beers and salty snacks when my stomach decided to go on strike. This presented me with a dilemma I was unused to: Do I make use of a foreign bathroom wherein I would release something so unholy and foul the very paint might peel? Or, do I endure the discomfort of a bubbling midsection until the familiar safety of my own bathroom had been reached? Choices, choices.
My unfortunate situation led to thinking about the rules regarding bathroom usage as a guest. When is it OK to ‘drop a deuce’ in a bathroom not your own? Is it ever OK? Should you let the person know you are about to make their place of cleansing smell like the 9th concentric circle of Dante’s Inferno? One would think something like this calls for a warning, yet the magnitude of such an action is rarely discussed.
Until now.
I cannot speak for others, but I enjoy dropping my loads at home with a good magazine handy, preferably after a long day at work. It’s almost therapeutic, like I am emptying out all the annoyances and frustration that come with having to earn a paycheck. You simply can’t pay for this kind of pleasure (can you??).
But let’s stay focused. Under what circumstances is it OK to poo at someone else’s home?
I have put together a chart to help not only myself, but others who find themselves pondering the wrongs and right of it all. Now obviously there are times, no matter the consequences, you just have to go for it. Our bodies are not always patient and risking possibly shitting yourself is not something I can in good faith recommend. So if that bit of gas turns out to be more, to hell with the “rules”. Save yourself the embarrassment and make a bee-line for the nearest bathroom. However, there ARE certain situations where it is in your best interest to hold off until reaching home. Your underwear might have fresh skid marks, but at least you didn’t cost yourself valuable networking contacts, a raise, your reputation, or something else equally valuable. Remember: the decision to crap, because it affects more than just you, is not one to take lightly.
With all that said, I present:
When to Shit: A Quick Reference
Sure, this table is not the Gospel according to Paul (or Steve for that matter) but I think it provides us with a strong foundation on which we can build and grow according to specific situations. I tried to capture as many realistic scenarios as possible. Before you drop your pants in someone else’s home, you basically want to ask yourself: What are the consequences? (NOTE: This question is good for other compromising situations as well…)
This table can help you… help yourself.
And in case you were wondering, I went ahead and let it rip in our friend’s bathroom. I had assessed the situation thoroughly and concluded what I was about to do would not have a negative affect on any future interactions. In essence, I would still be liked and respected.
As usual, no need to thank me.
*****
So yeah, I’m Jillian. I enjoy run-on sentences and overdosing on ellipsis. Feel free to get your fix here.
- StumbleUpon |
- Digg |
- Del.ico.us |
Thanks Jillian! I’m so glad to finally have a helpful reference guide for these situations. I hadn’t even considered that it may be impolite to drop my pants in someone else’s home, let alone drop a deuce.
If you see me at a party now with a cheat sheet, you’ll know I’ve eaten too many hot wings and/or just want to expose myself.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 3, 2008 @ 11:00 pm
I hadn’t even considered that it may be impolite to drop my pants in someone else’s home, let alone drop a deuce.
See, it’s always fun until someone gets hurt.
Jillian’s last blog post..Male Enhancement: The Long and Short Of It All
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 3, 2008 @ 11:25 pm
You know, you have brought up some very good points here! Unfortunately for me though, when I gotta go - I GOTTA GO!
I mean, really - my husband has no problem holding his shit for like - DAYS sometimes! When I ask him, “Ed, how in the world do you do that without exploding?” He simply replies that with the disgusting condition of the bathrooms at his work (he works 12-16 hour shifts for three consecutive day cycles at a power plant) it doesn’t take much convincing to avoid the john at ALL COST. By the time he gets home, he’s too tired to try; and besides, the “urge” is gone by then…
Alrighty then…
Uh - that CANNOT be healthy! I tell him he’s probably backed up to his ears with feces after 3 days of not going, when he’s on work rotation and he’s going to plug up our septic system unloading that mess come day 4 when he’s at home. Thank God I work in a clean environment because like I said, when it’s MY TIME, get outta the way!
kimbathewhitelioness’s last blog post..Stilletto Heels and Fishnet Stockings
Comment made by kimbathewhitelioness on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 4:01 am
backed up to his ears with feces after 3 days of not going…
I hope he warns you before he goes, it sounds like what he might unleash calls for a three-night stay at the nearest hotel.
Of course when I worked at the airport those bathrooms were freakin’ gross, so I understand his hesitancy. Seriously, why are ladies pissin’ on the seats?
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 4:18 am
Jillian! that was wonderful!! as alway… In the words of a Prison mate while sharing a toilet with another…
Just Put SOME WATER ON IT!!! in other words.. Shit and flush don’t give it smell the whole room up!!!
I watch Locked-Up a lot!!!
Single~!
Single’s last blog post..A little Of Nothing!
Comment made by Single on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:03 am
I am HYSTERICAL over here…..Ive been in that situation, thanks for clearing up any future confusion. You are sofa king funny.
xxoo
meleah rebeccah’s last blog post..The Next Survivor Series?
Comment made by meleah rebeccah on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:09 am
Shit and flush don’t give it smell the whole room up!!!
Hahaha. I NEVER do that, but you better believe I’ll complain if someone else stinks it up! The double standard is alive and well in our house…
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:10 am
thanks for clearing up any future confusion.
You know I do it cuz I care! :-D
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:12 am
Once, as a college kid, I was trapped at a friend of a friend’s single wide, which had a curtain for a bathroom door. Meanwhile, my friend had settled in for a nice long chat despite my sweaty pale face and clenched jaw, so I figured it was either shit in the front yard behind a bush, wipe with panties, and leave it all there for someone to find; or pollute the bathroom (and it turned out the whole trailer) with an explosive download, wipe with TP, and hope I didn’t plug up the entire trailer park’s septic system.
I decided to drop in the bathroom, and in the midst, as I was surrounded by nearly visible clouds of stench, the friend of a friend’s kid opened the curtain (kid was about 3). The kid started talking, so I shoved it out and held the curtain closed. Following the third ‘don’t overflow the toilet with shit’ flush, f of the f asked through the curtain if I was okay. I answered yes, wiped, flushed and fled. She was so nice about it, I kinda wish I’d fertilized the bushes next door with my copious diarrhea.
Needless to say, I never saw THAT f of an f again. Can you imagine the conversation while I hid outside following the shit debacle? Now when my insides feel a little off, I STAY HOME.
Karen’s last blog post..Fecking Bathtub
Comment made by Karen on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:22 am
Jillian what would we do without you?
I”m making copies of the reference guide and handing them out!
Thanks! :)
dawn’s last blog post..More Meows
Comment made by dawn on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:31 am
HOLY SHIT!!!!
That was friggin hilarious. I am in love with Jillian now, and I’m not even a lesbian!!
Comment made by offendedblogger on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:39 am
Now when my insides feel a little off, I STAY HOME.
Haha, that was hilarious. Yeah, you never want to have to do something like that at FOF’s house. And the thought of shitting in bushes and wiping with panties is disgustingly amusing. But I feel you… staying home is best.
I”m making copies of the reference guide and handing them out!
Awesome! let’s get the word out. People need to know what’s up! When my friend’s came over I used to ask what they “had to do”… eventually they started lying :-(
I am in love with Jillian now, and I’m not even a lesbian!!
See, this is the kind of stuff that makes a girl’s day! :-D
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:41 am
Like .45, we didn’t know it was such a big deal, amongst civilized people who know how to use a toilet (flush, clean up if you must).
Actually, clumsy Roufa once dropped his cell phone in a colleague’s toilet pot. (It was during some kind of dinner party with colleagues.) Afloat was a less clean memento from a previous toilet user. Roufa had to fish his phone out and avoid the excrement. Disgusting.
Mimi sympathizes: You are very right Jillian about the ladies toilets in airports! Can’t they at least wipe it clean with toilet paper afterwards?
Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass’s last blog post..Manneken Poo
Comment made by Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:41 am
Does running the shower count as a way of freshening the room?
Claire’s last blog post..Claire gets Horny
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 10:10 am
Hahahahahaha I can’t believe I just read this. I seriously cannot stop laughing. Great advice! We need to spread the word so people actually follow this ’shit’. hahahahaha
fragileheart’s last blog post..Diving in head first
Comment made by fragileheart on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 10:35 am
I’ve never smelled dead babies… But I have smelled what poo smells like after you’ve eaten boiled eggs, sardines and Chinese or Mexican food. That’s the worst burning rubber/skunky/sulfer smelling feces EVER.
And I think that unless it’s lysol or an AIR SANITIZER (as opposed to air freshener) you’re really just flowering up the poo scent.
But that’s just me.
Love you, girl! :-)
Angelika’s last blog post..Answers to yesterday’s comments & High Fives
Comment made by Angelika on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 10:54 am
Printing out the shit graph and placing it in my wallet now.
regretfulmorning.com’s last blog post..Relationship Advice Part 2
Comment made by regretfulmorning.com on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 11:44 am
After reading this post I am convinced Jillian has an unusually large amount of testosterone flowing thru her bowels as in my experiences in life the need to defecate with a really good magazine handy is typically a guy thing whereas a chick will do the deed and vacate the can. Her only redeeming note is her worry of the resulting stench, which we all know guys couldn’t give two shits about (pun intended.) Anyhoo, when ya gotta go ya gotta go. I will do the deed and if its odoriferous I will merely suggest air freshener prior to anyone going in after me. Since its pretty much a fact of life that you become more accepting and understanding of as you grow older, its definitely useful for conversation starters….
Petra’s last blog post..Survival Tactics for “Horror”ific Predicaments
Comment made by Petra on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
I keep laughing at your keywords. It could only be funnier if there were more variations of “shit”. Maybe some reader suggestions?
For more TMI from Jillian, I highly recommend this article on toilet paper and being cheap. It had me in tears, but I’m a big crybaby.
Also, I’m now stuck with Karen’s image of wiping with panties. Thanks for that; it took the sexy right out of my weekend. ;)
And for the record, I play Tetris on my cellphone in the can. This is where I get my highest scores.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
@ Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass:
Having to grab your cellphone out of the toilet while avoiding a floater is gross. Definitely time for a NEW phone!
@ Claire
You know my husband does that. Who does he think he’s fooling?! That does not help! But is the window open while the deed is happening?
@ Fragileheart-
Seriously… these are the things that go through my mind. An ill-timed shit at an acquaintance’s home can ruin a budding friendship. Seriously, I should know…
@ Angelika-
Hahaha, I agree. ‘Shitty Gardenia’ is NOT a crowd pleaser!
@ regretfulmorning.com-
See, that’s WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!
@ Petra-
I swear I’m a woman. I have girly parts and everything!
@ .45-
Let’s tone down the Awesome, please. Others might get jealous!
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 2:47 pm
Well its not that I actually do that.
A ‘friend’ was at her relatively new boyfriends place and got caught short. She had to drop the kids off at the pool, so to speak. There was no bleach or window, so she proceeded to get naked and have a shower instead, during that time the smell passed.
Explaining why she was gone so long and why she was wet was another conversation :)
Claire’s last blog post..Claire gets Horny
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 3:24 pm
so she proceeded to get naked and have a shower instead…
That might be the most work ever done to cover up the smell!
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
Oh noes, I have more elaborate tales than that :)
Not my tales, my friends.
Claire’s last blog post..Claire gets Horny
Comment made by Claire on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 6:34 pm
Poor Jillian! Me thinks your brain thinks way too much! LOL If I have to go, I don’t care who the place belongs too. I just go!
Maybe the real problem here is that you were afraid the person had no magazines in the bathroom and you were afraid to ask them for one LOL
Franklin’s last blog post..Friday Ramblings
Comment made by Franklin on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 7:25 pm
Not my tales, my friends.
Uh huh… suuuuure. :-D Of course, I’d be interested in these stories. Stuff like this amuses me!
If I have to go, I don’t care who the place belongs too. I just go!
Frank- LOL… you’re precisely why this table is NEEDED and should be ADHERED to!
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 7:36 pm
Girl, you are so fucking crazy. ROFL.
I love this post,the chart and you!
Monique’s last blog post..The Crazy Vacation Day 1
Comment made by Monique on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 7:44 pm
Girl, you are so fucking crazy. ROFL.
I love this post,the chart and you!
Unfortunately, I spend the majority of my time thinking about stuff like this. Well this and what X-Man I want to be. Thanks for your kind words AND support! :-D
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 7:58 pm
Thank you for finally clearing up the shit ettiquette. I never really knew what the protocol was for dropping my pants or my load in someone else’s home…no longer to I have to risk my reputation, my job, or my network to a shitty mistake. ;-)
Random Chick’s last blog post..Friday Funnies
Comment made by Random Chick on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
I would definitely be Mystique, and when not being any other mutant I wanted, I would make out with myself.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
I never really knew what the protocol was for dropping my pants or my load in someone else’s home
I think these kinds of things NEED a protocol. Glad to be of service!
I would definitely be Mystique, and when not being any other mutant I wanted, I would make out with myself.
Now do you mean the Mystique from the live action films or the blue scaly one from the comics?
Also, I wouldn’t mind being Psylocke. I’d be the second most powerful psychic in the world, have killer ninja skills AND a body to die for. There is nothing about that I don’t like. I would make out with Betsy Braddock.
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 8:21 pm
The Rebecca Romijn one, of course, scales and all.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 8:29 pm
scales and all.
She sounds like a good match for Scallop Man.
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 9:11 pm
Okay, I changed my mind about being Mystique.
Comment made by .45 on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 9:18 pm
The way I was feeling today from my walk, I would have done no 2 in the pope’s bathroom and not care.
Shelly’s last blog post..Monkey has to work Torrii :)
Comment made by Shelly on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 10:56 pm
I would have done no 2 in the pope’s bathroom and not care.
Haha, you must have REALLY had to go ;-)
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 4, 2008 @ 11:11 pm
That’s what I like about you Jillian. See a need, fill a need. LOL
Been in these situations and had the same internal struggle.. literally.
Now, if only someone could tell me how to get the relaxation going in the bowel region during shopping trips… I have the public restroom shyness and I tend to hover.
TheMrs’s last blog post..One of the reasons I hate the holidays…
Comment made by TheMrs on Apr. 5, 2008 @ 10:02 am
Jillian you are one of the funniest people I almost know a little bit. Thanks for the list..I wonder if I should print it out to show people that I have proof to destroy their commode. If you have to go you have to go, but I too like you, love to be home with a book. I won’t go at work, but if I have to, I’ll go to another floor and leave my goodies there. LOL. Only you Jillian, rofl.
Natural Woman’s last blog post..From the Mouths of Babes
Comment made by Natural Woman on Apr. 5, 2008 @ 11:55 am
I have the public restroom shyness and I tend to hover.
You know mall restrooms in shopping centers are always foul. I always wonder about the people that have no qualms about funkin it up in there. I’d say just for health reasons to try and go at home as much as possible. Also, good to see you!!!! (((HUGS))) I can hug you right? I’m showered and smell good….
I wonder if I should print it out to show people that I have proof to destroy their commode.
YES!!! Print it out, fax it, and tape it to the fridge! Let this be a new law of the land! And yeah, going at home is nice. There is so much I don’t have to worry about. The only thing that sucks is when SOMEONE runs in ahead of me and lets loose. It’s cool, though… I get revenge…
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 5, 2008 @ 2:28 pm
Little did I know I could find “The Proper Etiquette for Crapping Outside of the Home” right here and now! Thoughtful, considerate crapping, if you will. Emily Post, move over!
Keli’s last blog post..Stupidity Throws a Wedding
Comment made by Keli on Apr. 5, 2008 @ 7:05 pm
Little did I know I could find “The Proper Etiquette for Crapping Outside of the Home” right here and now!
It’s what you need to know… WHEN you need to know.
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 5, 2008 @ 7:58 pm
Until you posted this, I simply thought a bathroom is a bathroom is a bathroom. But come to think of it, I believe that many of us have needed this chart to have as a guide, if nothing else. It truly did occur to me what might happen if such an unsavory odor should permeate the residence following my visit to the facilities. Then, of course, the leftovers that need plunging…well, that’s a nice present for the next visitor, indeed. A horror, nightmare even.
You know, I have traveled from one end of the US to the other and into Canada and Mexico. Most of the bathrooms I used were public, something I would never wish on anyone. However, you might have something here. Perhaps there could be a five star rating system for the best and worst bathrooms in those places. Hmmmm. I’ll have to think about that. Thanks for the chart and the idea!!
Jaz’s last blog post..Clothes That Fit The Woman
Comment made by Jaz on Apr. 6, 2008 @ 10:33 am
Then, of course, the leftovers that need plunging…well, that’s a nice present for the next visitor, indeed. A horror, nightmare even.
Hahaha, now that’s just mean! When I worked a the airport, I would sneak into the 1st class lounges and go there. They were insanely clean!! Not gross like the common ones available to the public! Glad you like the list! Tell a friend! :-)
Jillian’s last blog post..Big Pimpin!
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 6, 2008 @ 11:45 am
An extremely handy guide, I must say.
Will you be following it up with a guide detailing when it is appropriate to defecate upon a host’s furniture? That is one rule of etiquette I can never quite grasp.
Lord Likely’s last blog post..Inching Ahead of the Competition
Comment made by Lord Likely on Apr. 7, 2008 @ 9:56 am
Will you be following it up with a guide detailing when it is appropriate to defecate upon a host’s furniture? That is one rule of etiquette I can never quite grasp.
LOL. You ask an excellent question and have possibly given me something to research!
Jillian’s last blog post..A Few Things Plus Love Songs for the Downtrodden
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 7, 2008 @ 10:23 am
LOL! That was hysterical!
But may I just add, that if you do decide to do the poo at someone else’s house, if there is any, uh, spillage, you must have the decency to clean it up, and not leave it for your unsuspecting host to find after you’ve left. There’s nothing like having to clean up the nuclear waste of someone else to make you never want to speak to that person again.
I had a houseguest once who could have benefited from your chart, Jillian!
Comment made by Mrs. R on Apr. 8, 2008 @ 2:28 pm
if there is any, uh, spillage, you must have the decency to clean it up, and not leave it for your unsuspecting host to find after you’ve left.
Hahaha. OMG! Someone dropped and didn’t clean up? That is NASTY!!!! Who does that? I say print this chart out (btw, the typo of this word was “shart”) now and MAIL IT TO THEM!
…anonymously, of course.
Jillian’s last blog post..A Few Things Plus Love Songs for the Downtrodden
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 8, 2008 @ 2:39 pm
I have to disagree with your assessment that it’s not OK to dump at your date’s house. I’ll admit that on the surface your conclusion is logical and wise. But let’s analyze…
To me, nobody is a “date” after like the first two dates, they just join this grey area of terms that range from “person I sort of like” to “Yeah, they bug the shit out of me but it’s too late to get this thing annulled.” So…the only way you’d be able to dump at a “date’s” house is if you accepted the taboo first-date invitation inside. As per first date educate, this probably means a fair amount of animal-like doinking is in order.
I don’t know about everyone else, but the combination of repetitively gyrating hips and an imminent crap creates a level of potential tragedy that I’m not willing to risk.
Therefore I think you find the roommate’s bathroom, take care of business as quietly as possible, and then close the door swiftly behind you and get to the shpunking without worrying about any mid-coital defecation.
Garrett’s last blog post..Another night at the office
Comment made by Garrett on Apr. 9, 2008 @ 6:26 am
Therefore I think you find the roommate’s bathroom, take care of business as quietly as possible, and then close the door swiftly behind you and get to the shpunking without worrying about any mid-coital defecation.
Garrett!!! It’s good to see you! And thanks for stopping by!
OK, isn’t your way of thinking assuming this “date” has a roommate? What if they live alone? What if the apartment is a single? Or even a one-bedroom? I admit, using the roommate’s bathroom is a stroke of genius even I didn’t think of (cuz you know, apparently I think I’m a genius), but we both know that option isn’t always available.
I said NOT to drop a deuce because if it stinks to high heaven (and it will), who is going to want to have sex with you after that? I mean unless they are turned on by the smell, you just lost a chance to knock some serious BOOT!
And so, I stand by the table. Although your idea provides a very nice exception! :-D
Jillian’s last blog post..When Moms Attack
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 9, 2008 @ 3:04 pm
Oh my. Seriously hilarious. Hahaha. I have a friend who has this habit of using my toilet when the entire bunch of them visits, and it’s always the same person.
Trust me, is smells so bad even the air-freshener you spray would smell rotten no matter how much of it you let into the toilet.
Subbie’s last blog post..Movie: Horton Hears A Who!
Comment made by Subbie on Apr. 14, 2008 @ 4:28 pm
I have a friend who has this habit of using my toilet when the entire bunch of them visits, and it’s always the same person.
See? I think you should print out this table and MAIL it to him (or her)!!!
Jillian’s last blog post..Is it Saturday Already?
Comment made by Jillian on Apr. 14, 2008 @ 9:27 pm