.45 Caliber Headspace

It was just about 6 months ago now that I was in the process of transcribing some old stand-up routines to story form (like this one on the Clap), because I don’t do much live performance anymore and thought I might be able to salvage some of the material to be utilized elsewhere. Where else, [...]

[…] A guy can be ugly, fat, bald, and stupid; with a cyst on his mouth and a hump; but as long as he’s got ends, he’s landing tail.

[…] It was kind of getting old to be waking up all the time with a hangover, in somebody’s bushes, wearing only a thong and an eye patch, and wondering whose ass I was gonna to have to kiss to make up for whatever I did the night before

[…] I can’t tell you who these special guests will be, but I can tell you that I would trust them with my blog like I would trust them with my sister, which is to say, I don’t have a sister.

[…] I’m a walking body bag. If my body’s a temple, it’s the Temple of Doom. There’s even a little bald dude in there that rips out chicks’ hearts.

[…] I haven’t been to a doctor in years, aside from semi-regular STD screenings that are necessary for me to continue having promiscuous sex. Even to get these screenings, I must first prove that I am high-risk by bringing photos of myself having IV drug sex with rabid monkeys.

[…] I used to make a practice of littering my personal information around in the hopes of having my identity stolen. My identity hasn’t been doing me much good and if some Nigerian con ring wants to assume the insurmountable debt and FBI record, they’re welcome to it.

[…] They said they didn’t know for dogs, but were plenty knowledgeable about internet sex slavery, selling “decommissioned” warheads to jealous Muslims, and smuggling conflict diamonds for the De Beers Corporation.

[…] I’m normally a pretty brave guy. I would fight six dudes if I had to; six very short, effeminate dudes with heart and equilibrium trouble; but “mice problems”? The thought of this made me afraid like a little girl.

[…] I don’t carry a phone because it makes it too easy for the sleeper cells I infiltrate to zero in on my location after I’ve sabotaged their operations. This always makes chicks both impressed and afraid for my safety.