.45 Caliber Headspace

[…] I’m more concerned about a girl that isn’t a slut. This always means she’s hiding something; like a boyfriend, or a yeast infection, or a penis, or the fact that she’s a crap lay.

[…] Hi, Emergency? Remember I called four hours ago because a crazy guy busted into my place and told me his cat Elmo said I was gonna kill him? Well, after we grappled for a while, it turned out that Elmo was right after all.

[…] I haven’t been to a doctor in years, aside from semi-regular STD screenings that are necessary for me to continue having promiscuous sex. Even to get these screenings, I must first prove that I am high-risk by bringing photos of myself having IV drug sex with rabid monkeys.

[…] I used to make a practice of littering my personal information around in the hopes of having my identity stolen. My identity hasn’t been doing me much good and if some Nigerian con ring wants to assume the insurmountable debt and FBI record, they’re welcome to it.

[…] They said they didn’t know for dogs, but were plenty knowledgeable about internet sex slavery, selling “decommissioned” warheads to jealous Muslims, and smuggling conflict diamonds for the De Beers Corporation.

[…] As one who appreciates help in being directed to things I may enjoy, I am saddened to know that I can no longer find this help on Amazon, unless fool enough to accept guidance from people that watch Grey’s Anatomy. […]

[…] I don’t carry a phone because it makes it too easy for the sleeper cells I infiltrate to zero in on my location after I’ve sabotaged their operations. This always makes chicks both impressed and afraid for my safety.

[...] After having been involved in a number of these “New Years”, I am now able to confirm that this is actually an ideal time to wipe your slate clean of the prior year’s sexual harassment and lude behaviour accusations and pretend to be a better man. This pretense will last approximately two months, at which time I will have reached my threshold of endurance for these unwelcome lifestyle changes.

[...] I’m discovering that all kinds of thoughts have been waiting to pass through my head. I don’t like these thoughts. They’re not crazy thoughts, like “Maybe I should stuff the cat in the blender today.” No, these are just heavy, meaty thoughts.

[…] So she gets the lube and proceeds to completely baste herself in it, just greasing up every shock and piston. She knew what she was doing, too. I was like, “I don’t know what exactly is about to go down, but f***ing BRING IT!”.