.45 Caliber Headspace

[…] The day will soon be upon us when Whitey will officially be outnumbered. This is largely due to crystal meth and inbreeding.

[…] An orgasm is nothing but a reward for fulfilling your primary biological purpose. It’s nature’s way of saying, “Job well done! Enjoy the rest of your evening, and forget about all that other nonsense you were worried about.”

[…] Clueless housewife humor holds no appeal for me. I already know that babies shit everywhere; I don’t need to read the continuing analysis of this supposed amazing revelation 87,000 times/day on Technorati. Just stick the baby’s nose in it and lay some newspaper down. He’ll learn soon enough.

[…] I haven’t been to a doctor in years, aside from semi-regular STD screenings that are necessary for me to continue having promiscuous sex. Even to get these screenings, I must first prove that I am high-risk by bringing photos of myself having IV drug sex with rabid monkeys.

[…] They said they didn’t know for dogs, but were plenty knowledgeable about internet sex slavery, selling “decommissioned” warheads to jealous Muslims, and smuggling conflict diamonds for the De Beers Corporation.

[...] After having been involved in a number of these “New Years”, I am now able to confirm that this is actually an ideal time to wipe your slate clean of the prior year’s sexual harassment and lude behaviour accusations and pretend to be a better man. This pretense will last approximately two months, at which time I will have reached my threshold of endurance for these unwelcome lifestyle changes.

[…] So she gets the lube and proceeds to completely baste herself in it, just greasing up every shock and piston. She knew what she was doing, too. I was like, “I don’t know what exactly is about to go down, but f***ing BRING IT!”.

[…] While still providing little padding and sure to be a source of humiliation in future recall as well as cause for difficulty in sitting and especially horseback riding, at least none of my more vital organs would be violated and will continue blissfully pumping blood and oxygen to other parts I cherish most.